That's pretty typical, right? A lot of women have a shitty self image for no good fucking reason, thanks to the shallowness of others and the fucking media trying to convince us that we are supposed to be able to count our ribs by strumming our fingers down them like a guitar.
Then there are those of us that are TOTALLY FUCKING OPPOSITE OF THAT!
I am a chubby girl. You could go so far as to say A FAT girl. I'm over 200lbs, and I shop at Lane Bryant.
But goddamn it, I'm hot for a fat chick!!!
It's funny, I hear the, "Oh, you're not fat!!" from people (mostly my wonderful boyfriend - love is blind you know), and that's great, but hi...I wear a fat fat size and my tummy looks like I may be harboring a baby kangaroo in there. I have NO delusions as to what I look like.
Or do I?
I will leave the house thinking, goddamn...I look damn good tonight! Sexy even!
Then later I will, for example, catch the replay of a tape made of my show and I am ALWAYS STUNNED. Always. Every time.
"WHAT THE FUCK? WHY DO I LOOK LIKE THAT? WHO LET ME GO OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH BARE ARMS? WOAH!"
Let me interrupt by saying this:
I do NOT have a poor self esteem. I love me. I would TOTALLY fuck me. I think I'm a pretty swell human being...alright, that's going too far. I know what goes on in my head, and it's not pretty....but dammit, I wear 'fucked in the head', and I wear it well. And we all know that 'crazy chicks are hot'. No wonder I'm in love with me!
I joke on stage about my fat ass and shit I do to try to slim down. Much like all the clown rape and baby stabbing jokes, it's all based on truth. I would LOVE to slim down a bit. Not Calista thin...just...maybe "Marylin at her fattest" thin. That's reasonable. I look good with padding.
Some padding.
This last spring, I caught the premier of Last Comic Standing. When I went down for that motherfucker, I was at my most Orca-ist ever. I had lost 40lbs the year before doing the Atkins thing, but I ate a cracker and it all came back and then some. Alright, I ate the entirety of the San Jose food supply....OK???
I hadn't made the semifinals, but I knew there was a good chance of me ending up on camera - which I was not looking forward to cuz, while I am less than giddy with my bod TODAY, I was a good 30lbs heavier on the day of the show's taping...AND hungover, AND wearing a shirt that didn't fit. Heh.
So I'm sitting there...and...
HOLY SHIT! THERE I AM.
Briefly, but there I fucking am. Arm fat flopping in the wind and just generally taking up most of the camera lense.
Wow.
Shouldn't my first response have been to run for the phone and go, HEY EVERYONE, LOOK!! I'M ON FUCKIN NATIONAL TELEVISION, BITCHEZZZ!!!!
It shoulda been, but instead, I'm all, "DUDE (yes, I called my boyfriend 'dude'), DO NOT TELL ANYONE I'M ON TV...FUUHUUUUCK!!"
How sad is that. LOL.
So yeah, I had already started back on the diet - not Atkins, not South Beach, but the "Stop Eating Like A Monster" diet (Thanks, Tom Arnold), with reasonable portions and...well...maybe some exercise eventually (BABYSTEPS, GODDAMN IT!). But if you don't think my 15 seconds of fame on LCS didn't fucking inspire me....HOO BOY!!!!
Anyway...
A friend of mine, Lora, and I are both "not skinny". Not HEFFER LIKE, but we're not going to slip down any shower drains anytime soon.
We're thick in the rump and we dress like whores when we go out. And goddamn we feel sexy.
I found this picture that was just perfect for us:
ROFL!!!!
I never need to look like the skinny bitch in the mirror...nope. I will always have some fluff. I like the fluff. I like to jiggle in the right places.
I just hope to slim down to a size that prevents my jaw from hitting the fucking ground when I see a picture of me after I stepped out of the house feeling like a fucking super model - er...fuck that - like a fuckin PORN STAR!
Yeah, baby.
Posts
