Betty doesn't like you.

Idiots on the internet

2010-06-22T17:33:00.000-07:00

Oh my long lost beloved chat logs. They were missing in cyberspace for while since I let my subscription to my old website lapse...but an ex boyfriend who, for whatever reason, was searching for pics of me and wanted to let me know he had found a topless pic of me on the internet ALSO was able to help me find some archive site (you think you deleted something online? Yeah, it's still there. FOREVER) that had my logs listed. THANK GOD! SO PLEASE....read on and enjoy.

NOTE: There are references to profiles and pictures that are no longer there - Yahoo has had a few revisions in the last decade and most of that stuff is long gone. Truly not pertinent to the stories, though, really.

*****************************************

11-29-01

satanz_revenge: nice profile
vortexbetty: golly...thanks.
satanz_revenge: what do you look like if you don't mind my asking?
vortexbetty: A chick.
vortexbetty: You?
vortexbetty: nm...saw the profile
vortexbetty: how old are you?
satanz_revenge: lol...I have a old pic on my profile ...but I'm probably a youngin...
satanz_revenge: oh, okay...
satanz_revenge: 19
vortexbetty: groovy
satanz_revenge: you live in oregon?
vortexbetty: I hope not
vortexbetty: then my driver's license would be wrong.
satanz_revenge: lol...I like you...it'z not very many people that can humor me...
vortexbetty: Why did you just use a Z in 'it's' ?
vortexbetty: I need to know what you were thinking when you did that.
satanz_revenge: it'z just something I do when I'm online under this s/n.
vortexbetty: I see.
vortexbetty: It'z gay.
vortexbetty: no offense.
vortexbetty: :))
satanz_revenge: well, I'm sorry that you think so, I won't do it anymore while I chat with you, okay?
vortexbetty: That would be divine.
satanz_revenge: You're an opportunist, aren't you.
vortexbetty: sure
vortexbetty: www.dictionary.com
satanz_revenge: Alright, I get the point... I'll leave you alone...
vortexbetty: You're entirely too sensetive.
vortexbetty: I was just kind of thinking that you'd like to review the definitions listed for opportunist and get back to me with what about me led you to believe I was one.
vortexbetty: Ready, go.
satanz_revenge: I had asked you that b/c you took the opportunity to make fun of the way I use Z's in my typing.
vortexbetty: oh, I see.
satanz_revenge: I know what the word means.
vortexbetty: of course you do.
vortexbetty: So, was i unethical or having no regard for my consequences when making fun of you?
satanz_revenge: well, I do not like being treated like I have no intelilgence for using a word that I know very well.
vortexbetty: please see above response: "You are entirely too sensetive."
satanz_revenge: you try being treated like you're stupid for your entire life and tell me how much you like being treated that way.
vortexbetty: I am not your momma, your teachers, or your old girlfriends. I do not fit neatly into your profile of past emotional abusers, so cut that shit out right now. Geezus.
vortexbetty: If you don't like the way I come across, then don't talk to me.
vortexbetty: If any of this is unclear, see hobby #3 on my profile.
satanz_revenge: Look, I was not directing my past towards you. I was simply asking you not to treat me like an idiot.
vortexbetty: Then don't act like one. :)
satanz_revenge: I have no right judging you, and I expect the same from other people...I was just trying to be nice to you and you're being a total bitch to me...talk to you later...goodbye.
vortexbetty: I'm not being a bitch, I'm being me. Quit being so damn whiney. Your name implies that you're some kind of a bad ass, when clearly you're a crybaby. Change it to "satanz_whiner" and don't PM people you don't know without being ready for a response you're not fond of.
satanz_revenge: Fuck off...
vortexbetty: *hands you a tissue.
vortexbetty: So...you said, talk to you later...is it later yet?
vortexbetty: The '...' after the so thoughtfully put "fuck off" made me think that maybe you had something to add.
vortexbetty: Hello?
vortexbetty: I miss youuuuuu!!!!

************************************

12-01-01

crazy7821: you go for anything on the side?
bettydoesntlikeyou: side? as opposed to the back?
crazy7821: no, i'm meaning do you have sex with guys other than your hubby?
bettydoesntlikeyou: Why do you ask?
bettydoesntlikeyou: Are you trolling for some online poon?
crazy7821: just wondering. I would love to help you out with it if you do.
crazy7821: I'm a 23 y/o Male that is new to the portland area.
bettydoesntlikeyou: I see.
bettydoesntlikeyou: That's very selfless of you.
bettydoesntlikeyou: 23 huh. Have your testicles even dropped yet?
crazy7821: yeah 23
bettydoesntlikeyou: keep up, sparky.
bettydoesntlikeyou: So, what is that you are hoping to accomplish during your online venture.
crazy7821: yes, they have.
bettydoesntlikeyou: Geezus...you're kind of slow, aren't you?
crazy7821: I hope to find someone I can have some good sex with in person.
bettydoesntlikeyou: I see
crazy7821: computer is slow
bettydoesntlikeyou: Did something in my profile lead you to believe that I was a nice and friendly person that wanted to talk to you?
bettydoesntlikeyou: Was it the monkey?
crazy7821: I don't know. I just thought you might want to do something.
bettydoesntlikeyou: You're attracted to the monkey in the picture on my profile, aren't you?
crazy7821: No
bettydoesntlikeyou: Yes, you are. That's it exactly.
crazy7821: No
bettydoesntlikeyou: How do you feel about beastiality?
crazy7821: No
bettydoesntlikeyou: No?
crazy7821: Sorry bye bye
bettydoesntlikeyou: bye bye?
bettydoesntlikeyou: What...do you not like the way this conversation is going? :))
bettydoesntlikeyou: Hello?? :(

*************************************

12-05-01

iriechild77: what's up
vortexbetty: ?
iriechild77: 24/m/tualatin here
iriechild77: u?>
vortexbetty: go look at my profile or something. I'm eating my own flesh, let me bee.
iriechild77: have any pics that are allitle better than that one, maybe one that actually shows you?
vortexbetty: why do you need to see me?
iriechild77: 2 see if you're worthy
vortexbetty: of?
iriechild77: me
vortexbetty: I see.
vortexbetty: So where's YOUR pic then, grandmaster flash?
iriechild77: my pics are all in my hotmail.
vortexbetty: fabulous
vortexbetty: I can't WAIT to see them.
vortexbetty: *yawn
iriechild77: i can email em if you send me some of you 2
vortexbetty: golly that would be swell...or something.
iriechild77 well allright then send me a couple 2 iriechild77@hotmail.com
vortexbetty: Yah, I'll get right on that, sparky.
vortexbetty: do you mind if I have a huge rash on my left buttocks?
iriechild77: do you mind that I have a large cock?
vortexbetty: No, I don't mind.
vortexbetty: My husband has a huge cock, too. I've grown quite accustomed to them.
vortexbetty: Hey..did something on my profile lead you to believe that I'd be frothing at the mouth over you?
iriechild77: just the fact that your a freak and I'm the shit i guess led me 2 that assumption
vortexbetty: *you're
vortexbetty: that's what you meant to type, right?
iriechild77: whatever
vortexbetty: I'll assume that it is.
vortexbetty: No, not 'whatever'.
vortexbetty: Good grammar and spelling turn me on. .
vortexbetty: How is it, exactly, that you're 'the shit'.
vortexbetty: I would like to have that explained to me if you have the time.
vortexbetty: Which I'm guessing you have nothing BUT time to do so...
iriechild77: Go play with your hung hubby. i don't have the time.
vortexbetty: you don't? Hmmm. You're a lousy salesman.
vortexbetty: You PM me wanting to find out if I'm worthy, and you don't have the time to give me a 2 to 3 sentence dissertation on why you're the shit?
vortexbetty: I'm so let down.
iriechild77: because I have everything, look, money, personality and balls and that = THE SHIT.
vortexbetty: I see.
vortexbetty: That IS some personality you have there.
vortexbetty: but you didn't mention the big dick. I think you may have been fibbing about that one.
iriechild77: well i see that as an added bonus 4 a girl. :)
iriechild77: I'm not fibbing at all.
vortexbetty: oh.
vortexbetty: Bonus buys at Fred's...that's cool.
iriechild77: what?
vortexbetty: nm. So the money...I suppose you drive a nice car then, right?
iriechild77: depends on which one your talking about.
vortexbetty: *you're
vortexbetty: gimme the inventory, rodboy, i wanna know what I'm up against here.
iriechild77: jeep, ford, and bmw.
vortexbetty: golly. that's quite a list.
vortexbetty: what is it that you do for a living.
vortexbetty: customer service at a call center?
iriechild: Oh, I wish.
vortexbetty: I knew it.
vortexbetty: burger flipper.
iriechild77: actually i own 3 companies.
vortexbetty: I see.
vortexbetty: are they babysitting services?
vortexbetty: those are rad.
iriechild77: an auto dealership, a pl;astics company and a ware house.
vortexbetty: wow. how did a young man such as yourself acquire these fictional companies? that's a mighty impressive undertaking.
iriechild77: well lets see, i got mosta my money by investing money i made from refinancing, then i also had a grip from selling dr*gs. :)
vortexbetty: grip?
vortexbetty: dr*gs? is that like 'drugs' but you used the asterisk in place of the u cuz you didn't REALLY want me to know that's what you meant?
vortexbetty: that was slick.
iriechild77: goodbye, i hope your day doesn't get any more boring than it already is.
vortexbetty: Boring? How can you say that? I'm talking to Bill motherfuckin Gates over here.
iriechild77: Being a fat housewife would be boring, right??
vortexbetty: Yah, I suppose so.
vortexbetty: Good thing I'm not that, huh.
iriechild77: Then what do you look like?
vortexbetty: Oh, that again. what made you think I was a fat housewife?
iriechild77: just a guess. I would guess most people on the net are either fat or housewives. :)
vortexbetty: well, on that course of thinking, I suppose that would make YOU a fat housewife, too. You wear it well, Mr. Gates.
iriechild77: maybe I am, but i'm not so there goes that theory.
vortexbetty: theories are neat.
iriechild77: so are cell phones.
vortexbetty: um..yes...yes they are.
vortexbetty: so, you must be really popular, being as you're hot, with a big dick, and you own 3 fictional companies and a fleet of cars. Why are you online trolling for internet poon, anyway?
iriechild77: lol I'm on here cuz i'm bored and i'm talking to a buddy oversea's.
vortexbetty: *seas
vortexbetty: no apostrophe
iriechild77: woops. i fucked up
iriechild77: when ya type fast ya fuck up
vortexbetty: hmmm. I don't.
vortexbetty: so I'm in the market for a car.
vortexbetty: I have a trade in and stuff.
iriechild77: well get a plane ticket cuz my dealerships on the big island of hawaii.
vortexbetty: Oh, I see.
vortexbetty: The plot thickens.
vortexbetty: So the fictional dealership in Hawaii...it it a big one?
iriechild77: nope, not very big
vortexbetty: wow. if I had a fictional dealership, it'd be HUGE!
vortexbetty: what kind of cars do you sell there?
iriechild77: jeeps, trucks and a few cars. mostly 4x4s.
vortexbetty: That must have been hard for you when Hawaii recently passed the bill requiring all gas engines to be converted to gasoline / electric hybrid motors by 2002.
vortexbetty: Are you going to take a huge loss?
iriechild77: That didn't happen
iriechild77: that didn't happen
vortexbetty: do you watch the news? Anyway, good luck on that.
iriechild77: bitch
vortexbetty: hey hey, what's with the name calling now, Peter Pan?
iriechild77: Peter Pan?
vortexbetty: www.peterpan.com
vortexbetty: go there. I figured you'd heard of him.
iriechild77: no. I know what that page is. I know who he is.
vortexbetty: so in the fictional plastics company, what is it...a manufacturing plant?
iriechild77: yah
vortexbetty: please tell me that you make rubber duckies.
iriechild77: we make anything that you could think of outta plastics.
vortexbetty: even duckies?
vortexbetty: you must be really tired from dealing with all the issues that come up when running 3...count em 3..not one not two but THREE fictional companies.
vortexbetty: and... AND you have three cars.
vortexbetty: I bet three's your lucky number.
vortexbetty: I bet you like the show "Three's Company".
vortexbetty: hello?

**********************************************************

12-06-01

tall_man246: Can we do it?
vortexbetty: huh? what'd I miss.
tall_man246: a golden shower..can we do it?
vortexbetty: Um...I'm afraid you've lost me. What are you talking about.
tall_man246: Can we meet?
vortexbetty: Meet? Is that what a golden shower is?
vortexbetty: You should explain it to me.
tall_man246: im jerome and you are
vortexbetty: no I'm not.
tall_man246: who are you?
vortexbetty: Betty
vortexbetty: And you're not explaining what I asked you to.
tall_man246: can I call you?
vortexbetty: No. I don't have a phone in my barn. Sorry 'bout that.
tall_man246: cunt
vortexbetty: that rhymes with elephant.
tall_man246: cunt
vortexbetty: Yah..could you maybe explain your train of thought to me? I'm fgetting a bit lost over here.
tall_man246: =:)
vortexbetty: oh..thanks..the alien smiley fixed it all up for me.
tall_man246: 3:0 got milk?
vortexbetty: I was wondering...
vortexbetty: Do you have a history of blunt force head trauma?
tall_man246: You live in a barn.
vortexbetty: Um...yeah.
vortexbetty: I like livestock. Alot.
tall_man246: go fuck a cow 3:0
vortexbetty: um...sure.
vortexbetty: whatever makes you happy, babycakes.
tall_man246: It would be us fucking hard all night.
tall_man246: www.goldenshowers.com
vortexbetty: wow.
tall_man246: fuck a cow.
vortexbetty: Is there an echo?
tallman246: yah. bye.
vortexbetty: I'll miss you.

****************************************************************

Chatlog 01-03-02
(I was receiving these idiotic PMs from paddlemaster2001 off and on since about August of 2001. It took him about this long to figure out he didn't know me...after I repeatedly told him...he's a swift one.)

paddlemaster2001: oh good...you're on.
hurricanebetty: geezus...you again?
paddlemaster2001: why do you say that? I'm sorry I didn't call. I lost your
number.
hurricanebetty: for the last time, slappy, I have NO idea who you are. Now piss off
and stop PMing me, k?
paddlemaster2001: Oh...so I'm thinking that maybe I'm PMing the wrong
person...is this Sandra?
hurricanebetty: Geezus Christ, man. I've been telling you for months
that I'm not your little sub bitch Sandra. GET A CLUE, SLAPNUT!
paddlemaster2001: Ha ha. Her nickname is very similar to yours. Sorry I goofed.
hurricanebetty: Yah, ok. So you realize now that no, I did not give you my phone
number and now maybe you'll go away?
paddlemaster2001: Sandra?
hurricanebetty: *sigh... I can't believe that there are people as stupid as you
in this world. How do you get out of your front door every morning? Or do you...
paddlemaster2001: Wow.
paddlemaster2001: I think you have an attitude. it's only a PM ...relax
hurricanebetty: Nooo....it's about 50 PMs over the course of several months, slapnut.
paddlemaster2001: no, just this one. have I PMed you before?
hurricanebetty: :|
paddlemaster2001: You need to relax and take things in relation to their importance.
hurricanebetty: and you need to grow a clue and get your little sub girl's name written
down right so that you can stop looking to have dom sex with the wrong person.
paddlemaster2001: it's just a mistaken idenity! You're not being fair!
hurricanebetty: um...settle down sparky. Go pm your girl. We're done here.
paddlemaster2001: You're not being nice at all.
hurricanebetty: * hands you a tissue.
hurricanebetty: You sure are awfully sensetive...for a paddlemaster. Stop crying.
paddlemaster2001: Is your life that important that you have to get mad at someone for a
few characters that they type to you? All knowing oracle?
hurricanebetty: I hardly consider this a crisis situation. Please go back to your dungeon.
paddlemaster2001: bitch.
hurricanebetty: listen, simpleton, you're the idiot that I've had to tell about a dozen
times, not that you've listened, that I don't know you. It's truly not my fault that you're
so damn thick. Puhleease go take some paxil and getback to your master & servant
games, ok? I hope it all works out for you. :X (you big baby)
paddlemaster2001: geez...why don't you go get laid?
hurricanebetty: I see. Is it cuz I have a low tolerance for whiney "doms" that led you
to believe that I don't get "laid", or were you just trying to live vicariously through me?
paddlemaster2001: vicariously? what?
hurricanebetty: www.dictionary.com Look it up, swifty.
paddlemaster2001: bitch!
paddlemaster2001: hey...i wasn't coming to you as a dom
hurricanebetty: um...ok
paddlemaster2001: i was coming to you as someone with a wrong PM. your name is
very similar to a name on my list
hurricanebetty: what list is this? The "Women I bother incessantly cuz I'm too stupid to
follow simple instructions" list ?
paddlemaster2001: as I said it was one simple mistake.
hurricanebetty: made by a simple guy.... *hands you a new tissue
paddlemaster2001: stop that! i'm not crying!
hurricanebetty: of course you're not. You're a BIG boy now...yes you ARE! :)
padlemaster2001: YOU COULD NEVER MOVE ME TO TEARS, WOMAN!!
hurricanebetty: *hands paddleboy the whole box o' tissue
hurricanebetty: I think you're sitting there right now...naked and crying.
paddlemaster2001: Am not.
hurricanebetty: "are too...infinity" :))
hurricanebetty: Are you sucking your thumb, too?
paddlemaster2001: I hate you. Bye!
hurricanebetty: *needs the tissue back....

**************************************************

Chatlog 01-08-02

johny_thunder2001: Hey sexy. I saw your pic online
and I was hoping that you could find time to meet me. ...a/s/l ?
bettydoesntlikeyou: oh for godsakes...
johny_thunder2001: What's wrong?
bettydoesntlikeyou: I have another reject a/s/l'ing me in PM
johny_thunder2001: where?
bettydoesntlikeyou: do you own a mirror?
johny_thunder2001: ok your husband treats you not so good because
your ugly.
bettydoesntlikeyou: *you're
johny_thunder2001: so. not my fault
bettydoesntlikeyou: wow. Is that what you got from my comment? I
believe you have missed your calling, Miss Cleo.
johny_thunder2001: i bet im right. cuz your fat to.
bettydoesntlikeyou: *you're ...keep up.
bettydoesntlikeyou: My god but your perceptiveness is amazing
bettydoesntlikeyou: what else do you see?
johny_thunder2001: maybe hes cheating and dosnt think your attractive
johny_thunder2001: does he chat?
bettydoesntlikeyou: No, he's way too smart to chat.
johny_thunder2001: sure to smart to stick with you
bettydoesntlikeyou: well, I give good head and I make a mean potroast
johny_thunder2001: so do 50% bigdeal. he will get tired of you
bettydoesntlikeyou: god, you might be right. interest may be waning. 11
years is a hell of a long time to endure good BJs and potroast. He could
be leaving any day now.
johny_thunder2001: see i know that. to bad you have no sex.
bettydoesntlikeyou: wait...I missed something. You said you thought I was sexy and
stuff before. when did that change?
johny_thunder2001: I never said that. You lye.
johny_thunder2001: whatever. you fucked up from me
bettydoesntlikeyou: um..translation please?
johny_thunder2001: dat means i dont likeyou.
bettydoesntlikeyou: oh. neat. :) Write again?

*********************************************************************

chat log 01-15-02

hotgentleman_98188: hey sexy
vortexbetty: hey dipshit
hotgentleman_98188: what?
vortexbetty: shall I type louder?
hotgentleman: why call a good man dipshit? I am offended.
vortexbetty: when did I do that? :))

hotgentleman_98188: are you there?
vortexbetty: it appears that YOU still are. Yay.
hotgentleman_98188: you would like me. You'll talk to me decent now.
vortexbetty: unlikely
hotgentleman_98188: are you married?
vortexbetty: can you read my profile? Let me know if you need
help with any of the big words.
hotgentleman_98188: I'm married.
vortexbetty: send her my condolences.
hotgentleman_98188: what?
vortexbetty: *types louder

hotgentleman_98188: hello?
vortexbetty: god, now what.
hotgentleman_98188: sorry. I was disconnected.
vortexbetty: I hadn't noticed
hotgentleman_98188: lol
hotgentleman_98188: Im not happy in my marriage
vortexbetty: tell someone who cares.
hotgentleman_98188: where are you?
vortexbetty: Uranus
hotgentleman_98188: what?
vortexbetty: I'm sorry you're not happy. Go have some gay sex
or something. shake things up abit. Now, shoo.
hotgentleman_98188: I am not gay. I like pussy.
vortexbetty: neat
hotgentleman_98188: can we meet?
vortexbetty: you MUST have someone else you can bother.
hotgentleman_98188: why are you not interested?
vortexbetty: because, unlike you, I get sex on a regular basis.
vortexbetty: Oh, and you annoy the fuck out of me.
vortexbetty: ...and I almost never fuck annoying people.
hotgentleman_98188: what? how am I annoying?
vortexbetty: have you MET you?
vortexbetty: geezus
---------------
hotgentleman_98188: are you still with me?
vortexbetty: I love your creative use of the words "still", "with"
and "me".
hotgentleman_98188: what?
hotgentleman_98188: hello?
hotgentleman_98188: who do you have sex with?
vortexbetty: this is going to be quite a revolutionary thought...but I have
sex with that guy I married. Wacky, huh? You should look into that
whole spouse sex thing.
hotgentleman_98188: I told you I'm not happy in my marriage.
vortexbetty: thanks for making that my problem, really.
hotgentleman_98188: so you're not interested.
vortexbetty: I couldn't be less interested if you were the last man left
on earth. I hope you understand.
hotgentleman_98188: you're a bitch.
vortexbetty: thanks :)

**************************************************

Chatlog 02-11-02

gsr_555: ya ya
vortexbetty: ?
gsr_555: kindly send me your original pix
vortexbetty: no thanks
gsr_555: otherwise i will be in confusion
gsr_555: whether human beings also will have tile monkeys
vortexbetty: um...k..i'm "in confusion" now.
gsr_555: whether human beings will have tile monkeys
gsr_555: clear?
vortexbetty: as mud....

(I log off for an hour...he's baaack)

gsr_555: Hello?
gsr_555: i may have to search back of the lady for tile
gsr_555: please clarify immediately i am in a tense
vortexbetty: unable to clarify, sparky...you have me baffled.
gsr_555: I found your pic in your personal data. Ur pics is in
different way and also with tile. Please clarify why it is like that if pic
is not yours please sent original pics other wise i'm going to become
mad.
vortexbetty: I have no idea what you're talking about...you realize
that right?
gsr_555: ok can you do me a favour for which i will thankfull
to you
vortexbetty: yah, I'll get right on that. not. go away.
gsr_555: thanks
gsr_555: kindly send me your pics. its enough for me and i
will not distrub u any more.
vortexbetty: I have a webpage up. find it yourself.
gsr_555: tell me the website name.
vortexbetty: www.slapnut.com

(I log off....he's back again a few hours later)

gsr_555: hello dear.
vortexbetty: *sigh. what now
gsr_555: tell me website name.
vortexbetty: I'm not all that anxious to help you. Figure it out.
gsr_555: really? i am not getting it. where.
vortexbetty: www.goawayyoubigpestyfreak.com
gsr_555: i am get error. please take a little strain
vortexbetty: www.vortexbettyspic.com
gsr_555: even that one
vortexbetty: gosh...really? that's too bad. You should move on now.
gsr_555: what to do then. can u clarify 'k'
vortexbetty: simtubbily woo lakka. does that help?
gsr_555: can you tell me what you ar doing now?
vortexbetty: being pestered.
gsr_555: by whom?
vortexbetty: you, brainiac.
gsr_555: i am really a kind of sensetive man wll not do any
harm even to an ant.
gsr_555: u know that
vortexbetty: bye bye
gsr_555: ok but finally pix
vortexbetty: fine. http://profiles.yahoo.com/slim_slowbetty go there.
gsr_555: yaaac
vortexbetty: you like?
gsr_555: i not know u that kind of girl
vortexbetty: so you don't like?
gsr_555: that not u. send pic please
vortexbetty: I did. go away now, pesty.
gsr_555: hey sexy send ur pic please
vortexbetty: hey pesty, i already did.
gsr_555: I TOLD U NOT URS SEND NOW.
vortexbetty: you don't get to tell me what pic is mine, slappy.
take what you're given.
gsr_555: hi.

***********************************************

Chatlog 02-27-02

yourbeautymoney: god, your such a bitch
vortexbetty: *you're
yourbeautymoney: what?
vortexbetty: nm
yourbeautymoney: bitch
vortexbetty: oh, quit being so damn sensetive
vortexbetty: lol @ you
yourbeautymoney: naw,,just tired of self important dweebs with no life and no job go away now.
vortexbetty: punkin, I have a job..I'm at work right now...and you PMed me...remember?
yourbeautymoney: no doubt you are earning your money by being a whore
vortexbetty: please don't tell...k?
yourbeautymoney: i am earning mine whore
vortexbetty: k..but I think that's illegal, 'cept in Nevada.
yourbeautymoney: bitch
yourbeautymoney: whore
vortexbetty: yer so sweet & stuff :) oxox
yourbeautymoney: gee, have I made you mad?
vortexbetty: yes, I believe I may have to urinate on myself now. :(
yourbeautymoney: your a sick whore
vortexbetty: *you're
yourbeautymoney: i'm what
vortexbetty: nm
yourbeautymoney you should get out more
vortexbetty: damn...you're right. I've run out of names to call the fruitflies in my kitchen. :(
vortexbetty: are you a wookie?
yourbeautymoney: get some real satisfaction from real interation, instead of trying tp get a rise out of starngers by snipping at casual ecounters and thinking your hot
vortexbetty: ok, now I'm just too tired to correct all that was wrong with THAT sentence, so
all I can say to that is: "No...you!" :)
vortexbetty: Punkin, if you're done now, I have things to do...i hope you feel better. :)
yourbeautymoney: fuck off.
yourbeautymoney: go get laid and have sex
vortexbetty: laid AND have sex? ok ...but ...ok.
yourbeautymoney: fuck off bitch.
yourbeautymoney: you whore
vortexbetty: see, now you're confusing me with this...am I a whore...or do I need to get
laid...? Oh, dear, I'm so puzzled. :(
yourbeautymoney: bitch
vortexbetty: Yesss...we've been over this.
yourbeautymoney: bitch
vortexbetty: *hands you a tissue
yourbeautymoney: BITC I DONT NEED A TISSUE CUZ IM NOT MAD OR CRYING BITCH
vortexbetty: *hands you the box
yourbeautymoney: maybe some therapy would help
vortexbetty: *hands you the yellow pages turned to "P"
yourbeautymoney: NOT ME BITCH YOU
vortexbetty: I love you. :X
yourbeautymoney: STOP PMing ME!! BITCH WHORE BITCH!
vortexbetty: k...I'll try my bestest & stuff.
yourbeautymoney: leave me alone
vortexbetty: I'll miss youuuuuuu.

*****************************************************

Chatlog 03-05-02

wilzardthespy: i read through all your chat logs on the geocities page
wilzardthespy: i havent had such a good lugh in a long time
wilzardthespy: hahaha
wilzardthespy: hello?
vortexbetty: Are you on there yet?
wilzardthespy: its kinda funny how many ppl try to pick up on a chick.
wilzardthespy: do you get like 50, 60 dumbasses a day?
vortexbetty: At least
wilzardthespy: lol thought so
wilzardthespy: i used to be one of them
wilzardthespy: but
wilzardthespy: i got smart
wilzardthespy: (hopefully)
vortexbetty: yay for you
wilzardthespy: yeah what i do now is
wilzardthespy: masterbate
vortexbetty: congratulations...really
wilzardthespy: i was joking
wilzardthespy: i was hoping youd laugh
vortexbetty: I am laughing...on the inside.
wilzardthespy: anyways, they should put you on a radio talk show or something
wilzardthespy: so ppl can call you and you can put them down 1001 ways
wilzardthespy: yeah
wilzardthespy: you could make fun of my job
wilzardthespy: i work as a call center technical support representative
vortexbetty: Oh, good lord....tell me you don't work for 'Stream'
wilzardthespy: yeah, i work there
vortexbetty: God...it figures.
wilzardthespy: i am not fat, but i would say that about 95% of the bastards
there are 300+ pounds
vortexbetty: "Neat"
wilzardthespy: its sad really seeing these guys that will be a virgin there who will be a virgin there whole life.
vortexbetty: *their
wilzardthespy: what
vortexbetty: nevermind...
wilzardthespy: its pathetic though
vortexbetty: Hello? Black Pot? Kettle?
wilzardthespy: What?
vortexbetty: Nevermind.
vortexbetty: ...you must spend alot of time picking these poor guys out
of the crowd.
wilzardthespy: its simple work if you have a brain and it pays ok
wilzardthespy: i have nothing else to do except look at a computer screen
and ogle the few women around or look at the fat bastards that walk past
vortexbetty: How old are you anyway, skippy?
wilzardthespy: 25
wilzardthespy: how about you?
vortexbetty: 30...like the profile says, wilzard.
wilzardthespy: forgot i read it about 20 minutes ago
wilzardthespy: i bet you make a mean sheapards pie
vortexbetty: It's "shepherd's" ...and what leads you to believe this?
wilzardthespy: potroast is similar
wilzardthespy: BAM
wilzardthespy: it came
vortexbetty: Um...ok.
wilzardthespy: so how much time do you spend here?
vortexbetty: at least 15 hours a day
wilzardthespy: damn
wilzardthespy: i get burnt out after about an hour or so
vortexbetty: You thought I was serious?
wilzardthespy: yeah I did
wilzardthespy: is that your behind in the pic?
vortexbetty: No, it's my ass
wilzardthespy: synonymous with behind
wilzardthespy: you have long hair
wilzardthespy: my x had hair that long as well
vortexbetty: I cut it.
wilzardthespy: whatever for?
vortexbetty: personal preference
wilzardthespy: but it takes years to gro hair that long
wilzardthespy: that's a big decision
vortexbetty: It's just hair, slappy, and mine grows fast.
wilzardthespy: yeah, so does mine
wilzardthspy: i had this notion of perming my hair into a fro last summer
vortexbetty: How gross.
wilzardthespy: but it got too hot so i just shaved it
vortexbetty: good idea
wilzardthespy: all my friends laughed at my idea though
vortexbetty: That must happen alot to you.
wilzardthespy: look at my profile
wilzardthespy: I recently shaved so that I could have lambchops
vortexbetty: That's "swell"....brb

(checks profile...)

vortexbetty: You have a mullet.
wilzardthespy: NO ITS NOT A MULLET
wilzardthespy: its the same length all the way around
vortexbetty: if you insist.
vortexbetty: www.mulletsgalore.com Check that out..get back to me.
wilzardthespy: I do not have a mullet. i don't drive an iroc
vortexbetty: Denial is an ugly thing, wilzard.
wilzardthespy: yes it is
wilzardthespy: dammit
wilzardthespy: i am lookng through these mullet classifications.
wilzardthespy: there are about 100 of them
wilzardthespy: with pics
vortexbetty: Yeah? I know.
wilzardthespy: I am seeing if maybe it is a mullet...its gonna take a while
vortexbetty: There's no "maybe" about it....save yourself the time.
wilzardthespy: I can dream
vortexbetty: Aim high, slappy

10 minutes later...

wilzardthespy: I think it's a camaro mullet
wilzardthespy: I looked at tons of them
wilzardthespy: are you there?
wilzardthespy: i came to tell you I have a mullet
wilzardthespy: are you happy now????
wilzardthespy: hello????

**************************************************************

Chatlog 03-07-02

bigd4u971232001: Hey sexy! I saw your pic and wanted to tell you that your hot. Are you busy?
bigd4u971232001: Hello?
bettydoesntlikeyou: Hello huge pain in the ass.
bettydoesntlikeyou: What is it that you need?
bigd4u971232001: i was trying to be nice
bigd4u971232001: huge bitch
bigd4u971232001: geez
bigd4u971232001: bitch
bettydoesntlikeyou: and yet you keep PMing me. lol
bigd4u971232001: i dont think so
bettydoesntlikeyou: You're too sensetive, slappy.
bigd4u971232001: i was trying to be nice and you dog me
bettydoesntlikeyou: woof
bigd4u971232001: dont call me slappy
bettydoesntlikeyou: you would prefer I call you 'skippy' ?
bigd4u971232001: yah, skippy is cool
bettydoesntlikeyou: ok then, slappy.
bettydoesntlikeyou: run along now. :)
bigd4u971232001: you too, with all your fake shit
bettydoesntlikeyou: fake shit? :))
bigd4u971232001: yeah.
bettydoesntlikeyoiu: what's fake...besides my nails?
bigd4u971232001: if it aint fake throw up a webcam
bettydoesntlikeyou: throw up on a webcam? alright...then...?
bigd4u971232001: yah..throw one on.
bettydoesntlikeyou: what are you even yammering about, anyway?
bigd4u971232001: i don tknow
bigd4u971232001: turn cam on
bettydoesntlikeyou: what cam??
bettydoesntlikeyou: good lord, you're kind of a moron
bettydoesntlikeyou: but you've probably heard all this before, yes?
bigd4u971232001: yeah i am actually
bigd4u971232001: never heard it but i think i am a moron
bigd4u971232001: your right
bettydoesntlikeyou: *you're
bigd4u971232001: now your a spelling champ
bettydoesntlikeyou: *you're...and no 'now' about it.
bigd4u971232001: i bet you didnt even garduate college
bettydoesntlikeyou: *graduate
bettydoesntlikeyou: Yeah, I probably didn't...but don't tell my boss & stuff. I might lose my license to practice medicine. ;)
bigd4u971232001: oh ok
bigd4u971232001: some cheesey ass job
bettydoesntlikeyou: Would you like to supersize that? (wink wink ;) )
bigd4u971232001: yah...no degrees
bettydoesntlikeyou: 98 degrees is a neat group. :)
bigd4u971232001: yah.
bettydoesntlikeyou: Ok, shmoop, I'm real busy & stuff. Could you maybe take your dog and pony show elsewhere? :)
bigd4u971232001: no experience, shitty pay
bettydoesntlikeyou: I know, huh. I may not be able to afford this month's rent on my double wide. Could you loan me a quarter? :)
bigd4u971232001: you are a poney
bettydoesntlikeyou: A pony? :)
bettydoesntlikeyou: I like ponies! :))
bigd4u971232001: No, a phonie.
bettydoesntlikeyou: You mean, a p-h-o-n-y ?
bettydoesntlikeyou: www.dictionary.com
bettydoesntlikeyou: look into it, slappy.
bigd4u971232001: i dont think so
bigd4u971232001: i dont do dictionarys
bettydoesntlikeyou: LOL that's apparent. :)
bettydoesntlikeyou: It's not that hard of a site to navigate...
bigd4u971232001: what the fuck are you a english teacher?
bigd4u971232001: shut the fuck up
bettydoesntlikeyou: shut up?
bigd4u971232001: omg
bettydoesntlikeyou: :))
bigd4u971232001: your the biggest fuckin dumbass i have seen on here
bettydoesntlikeyou: *you're
bigd4u971232001: shut the fuck up!
bettydoesntlikeyou: ----> :O <------ me shutting up. heh
bigd4u971232001: your the biggest fucking dumbass on chat
bettydoesntlikeme: (*you're) I am? Really? That's quite a trick.
bigd4u971232001: so lets see what you look like
bigd4u971232001: prove me wrong
bettydoesntlikeme: LMFAO

*****************************************************

Chatlog 03-08-02

dirtydeej2000: hey
dirtydeej2000: whassup?
dirtydeej2000: nice pic
vortexbetty: remind you of when you were younger?
*NOTE: I was playing with different pics that day...I have no idea what it was when he
PMed me. LOL Sorry!!
dirtydeej2000: Yah, how'd you know?
vortexbetty: just a hunch
dirtydeej2000: like the one on your back?
vortexbetty: much like it...only bigger.
dirtydeej2000: like your ass?
vortexbettty: no...a little smaller than my ass.
dirtydeej2000: great
vortexbetty: aren't you glad that you PMed me? :)
dirtydeej2000: hell yeah
vortexbetty: fantastic
dirtydeej2000: how does your husband put up with your shit?
vortexbetty: I don't know...would you like to write him a letter and ask him?
dirtydeej2000: nope
vortexbetty: I'm sure he'd be happy to use teeny words so that you'd have no trouble understanding...c'mon.
dirtydeej2000: monosylabic mongoloid over here can not fathom such complexities
vortexbetty: that's unfortunate.
vortexbetty: Well, if you didn't want to know how he put up with me, why did you ask?
vortexbetty: Herro?

Well, he went away...but a week later he PMs me again...
I guess this conversation wasn't memorable enough for him.

And now for PART TWO ( warning...it's long!)

dirtydeej2000 "revisited". LOL
(very long!)

dirtydeej2000: yo
vortexbetty: yo?
dirtydeej2000: i love the betty page devil pic
vortexbetty: I do, too.
dirtydeej2000: do you have a devilish tail like her?
vortexbetty: well, no, I don't...do you?
vortexbetty: Mine was removed at birth
vortexbetty: I do have a nubbin, though.
dirtydeej2000: cool
vortexbetty: I hope you don't think I'm kidding
dirtydeej2000: nope
vortexbetty: do you like amputees?
dirtydeej2000: nope
dirtydeej2000: lots in pdx
vortexbetty: you don't?
vortexbetty: why?
dirtydeej2000: i guess i dont
vortexbetty: why why why?
vortexbetty: I have good qualities
dirtydeej2000: I dont really know any, so i guess i dont dislikethem
dirtydeej2000: i dont know any
vortexbetty: do you want to see my nubbin
dirtydeej2000: they are people too
dirtydeej2000: sure
vortexbetty: :)
vortexbetty: ok
vortexbetty: is that why you PMed me?
dirtydeej2000: nope i just like your pic
dirtydeej2000: i am a fan of page, and betties world wide
vortexbetty: My name is betty
dirtydeej2000: i know
dirtydeej2000: do you really have a severed limb?
vortexbetty: no, I have a nubbin
dirtydeej2000: ok
vortexbetty: I never said a severed limb
dirtydeej2000: a 3rd nipple?
vortexbetty: no, where my tail was. I told you this
vortexbetty: it moves when i want it to
dirtydeej2000: ok
vortexbetty: it's got a bit of bone still in it.
dirtydeej2000: cool
vortexbetty: I can wag it like a dog.
dirtydeej2000: does your hubby love your nubbin?
vortexbetty: my hubby doesn't know about it.
dirtydeej2000: you have got to be joking
vortexbetty: it's my dirty little secret. he's never seen it.
vortexbetty: I would never joke about something so serious. I hate you.
dirtydeej2000: where is it on your tailbone, in between your butt cheeks?
vortexbetty: it's above that...at the tip of my tailbone.
dirtydeej2000: cool
vortexbetty: do you want to see me wag it?
dirtydeej2000: sure show me
vortexbetty: where do you want to meet?
dirtydeej2000: stop bullshitting me
vortexbetty: what? I get out on the weekends.
dirtydeej2000: you are not for real
vortexbetty: :( :( Bullshitting?
vortexbetty: That's really not for you to say.
vortexbetty: you don't know meeeeeeeee.
dirtydeej2000: do you show your ass to every dude you see?
vortexbetty: I don't have to wear the monitor anymore, so I can leave the grounds
this weekend if you want to meet.
dirtydeej2000: what would your dude say?
vortexbetty: my dude?
vortexbetty: oh, my husband? he hates to be called dude.
dirtydeej2000: the lowjack got cut off?
vortexbetty: I don't like to call it that. It makes me feel like a criminal.
vortexbetty: I think it was just put there for my safety. or others...i don't remember.
dirtydeej2000: Ok, what does your hubby think?
vortexbetty: about what?
dirtydeej2000: about you leaving the domicile to meet dudes
dirtydeej2000: to show them your nubbit
vortexbetty: oh
vortexbetty: he doesn't know
vortexbetty: Since I've been away, he doesn't have time to track my activities.
dirtydeej2000: do you have playthings eslewhere?
dirtydeej2000: besides the hubby?
vortexbetty: I have to report in to the head nurse though once a week. She's cool about it.
dirtydeej2000: you are funny
vortexbetty: why am I funny?
dirtydeej2000: nurse rachet?
vortexbetty: No, her name is 'Connie'.
dirtydeej2000: great
vortexbetty: Tomorrow is her birthday.
vortexbetty: We get cake! :) Yay!
dirtydeej2000: So are you in an institution, or are you just very imaginative?
vortexbetty: I don't call it an institution.
vortexbetty: it's just a nice getaway
vortexbetty: It's almost like a Hilton
dirtydeej2000: sure
dirtydeej2000: for fruitcakes?
vortexbetty: I don't like fruitcake. It's too dense.
dirtydeej2000: Or compulsive liars?
vortexbetty: I like chocolate and yellow cake.
dirtydeej2000: makes you fart?
vortexbetty: I don't like to do that.
vortexbetty: it bothers the nubbin.
vortexbetty: I just burp.
dirtydeej2000: ok
dirtydeej2000: where do you really live?
vortexbetty: it's in salem.
vortexbetty: but my house is in salem.
dirtydeej2000: cool.
dirtydeej2000: what are you in for?
vortexbetty: in?
vortexbetty: I'm just resting!
vortexbetty: I'M NOT IN JAIL I'M NOT IN JAIL.
dirtydeej2000: why are you there?
vortexbetty: I told you.
vortexbetty: god
dirtydeej2000: what is the institution then?
dirtydeej2000: A psych ward?
vortexbetty: I guess.
vortexbetty: but like I said, I don't have to wear the ankley thingy boo anymore so it's not
like they can monitor me.
dirtydeej2000: are you depressed, schizophrenic, bipolar, what?
vortexbetty: I'm not depressed. :)
vortexbetty: do you like me? :)
dirtydeej2000: never met you
dirtydeej2000: don't know if you are for real
vortexbetty: :|
vortexbetty: I'm as real as Ally McBeal, Neil.
dirtydeej2000: She's about as real as a farity tail.
vortexbetty: farity?
dirtydeej2000: that shit is so ridicolous I hate that show
vortexbetty: I don't know what a farity tale is.
vortexbetty: I like ferrets. Alot.
dirtydeej2000: a FAIRY!
vortexbetty: it's not a show
vortexbetty: it's real
vortexbetty: a farity is like a fairy?
dirtydeej2000: and so is your nubbit, right?
vortexbetty: It's a nubbin
vortexbetty: Not a nubbit.
vortexbetty: Don't make fun of it. :(
dirtydeej2000: Ally McBeal was created for women, by women, it's stuid as hell.
vortexbetty: I'm a woman
vortexbetty: And she's real
vortexbetty: Don't be mean. :(
dirtydeej2000: you think it's realisitc dream on.
dirtydeej2000: you and delusional women world wide
vortexbetty: it's the most realist show out there.
vortexbetty: do you want to get a sammich with me?
vortexbetty: I like corned beef. Alot.
dirtydeej2000: you are in salem, i am in pdx
dirtydeej2000: and no, not if you think ally mcbeal is real
vortexbetty: i can take the bus to pdx
dirtydeej2000: you need to get real
vortexbetty: I do? :) why? :) :) :) :)
dirtydeej2000: That will only take 2 hours, right?
vortexbetty: where do you want to go?
dirtydeej2000: I still don't belive you.
dirtydeej2000: do you have a real pic?
vortexbetty: yah...somewhere.
vortexbetty: I don't think they let us upload pics here.
dirtydeej2000: you sure are witty
vortexbetty: Thanks :X:X:X:X
vortexbetty: How old are you?
dirtydeej2000: 26
vortexbetty: we're having a dance here next week. Will you be my date?
dirtydeej2000: to what the psycho ball?
dirtydeej2000: I have to work next weekend.
vortexbetty: I meant the weekend after.
dirtydeej2000: you got a husband, take him.
vortexbetty: he's in Alaska
vortexbetty: Do you have dancing shoes?
dirtydeej2000: Nope
vortexbetty: you can wear mine. I have a spare
dirtydeej2000: they will be too small.
vortexbetty: what size shoe do you wear?
dirtydeej2000: 8
vortexbetty: I wear a 12.
dirtydeej2000: You must be tall.
vortexbetty: Yah. I'm 5'3".
dirtydeej2000: And you're a 12? Don't belive you again
dirtydeej2000: how much do you weigh?
vortexbetty: Fuck off. Now you're making fun of my feet?
vortexbetty: I weigh 103 now. They made me gain weight down here.
dirtydeej2000: I just find it hard to belive but it could be possible
dirtydeej2000: well, take the bus to portland then
vortexbetty: so when you come take me to the dance, will you bring me a flower?
dirtydeej2000: nope
vortexbetty: :((
vortexbetty: why??
dirtydeej2000: don't like dances
vortexbetty: we can make out in the nurse's lounge
dirtydeej2000: why do i have to go to salem for that?
vortexbetty: ?
vortexbetty: Cuz i can't leave the county
vortexbetty: portland is in a different county than salem
dirtydeej2000: that's not what you said earlier
dirtydeej2000: you probably have a boyfriend there anyway
vortexbetty: I don't think he's my boyfriend.
dirtydeej2000: who?
vortexbetty: He still makes me call him doctor, and I only see him on Tues and Thurs.
dirtydeej2000: Do you wear a nurses uniform?
vortexbetty: No, it's against the rules to impersonate staff, and I promised I wouldn't do
it ever again.
vortexbetty: it would be a violation
dirtydeej2000: it sounds like you like being violated
vortexbetty: why do you say that?
dirtydeej2000: you have a wild fantasy world, huh?
vortexbetty: what do you mean?
dirtydeej2000: be real with me. and stop fucking around
vortexbetty: I am. :(
dirtydeej2000: You don't want to get out, do you?
vortexbetty: of what
vortexbetty: Salem?
dirtydeej2000: I thought you said they don't monitor you
vortexbetty: not as much
vortexbetty: like I said, no thingy on my ankle
dirtydeej2000: can you go to portland?
vortexbetty: I "can" but I'm really not supposed to.
dirtydeej2000: so you really had a lowjack?
vortexbetty: they didn't call it that, but it probably was one.
vortexbetty: they said it was for mine and other's safety. whatever that means
dirtydeej2000: so when is the last time you got to portland?
vortexbetty: right before that one incident that landed me here....so ...about 3 years.
dirtydeej2000: what was that?
dirtydeej2000: what did you do?
vortexbetty: nothing
dirtydeej2000: bullshit
dirtydeej2000: what happened?
vortexbetty: I can't talk about it
dirtydeej2000: sure you can...you've told me everything else.
vortexbetty: Not everything.
dirtydeej2000: do tell
dirtydeej2000: WHAT DID YOU DO?
vortexbetty: nothing
dirtydeej2000: stop lying
vortexbetty: it had to do with an animal next door and a dumb law that's still on the books and I don't want to say anymore.
dirtydeej2000: SO WHAT HAPPENED?
dirtydeej2000: did you hurt the animal?
vortexbetty: no
dirtydeej2000: what did you do to it?
vortexbetty: the animal was not hurt
dirtydeej2000: WHAT HAPPENED?
vortexbetty: I'd rather not say.
dirtydeej2000: please tell me.
dirtydeej2000: who am I gonna tell? I don't even know you.
dirtydeej2000: your secret is safe with me
dirtydeej2000: TELL ME!
dirtydeej2000: When is the last time you had sex?
vortexbetty: not too long ago
dirtydeej2000: when?
vortexbetty: Last session.
dirtydeej2000: with the doctor?
vortexbetty: nevermind
dirtydeej2000: your therepist?
vortexbetty: Ok
dirtydeej2000: yes or no?
vortexbetty: nevermind
vortexbetty: I'm going to go now.
dirtydeej2000: NO
vortexbetty: and don't say anything about the dog
vortexbetty: what? why no?
dirtydeej2000: what happened
dirtydeej2000: to the dog? anything sexual?
vortexbetty: I guess it's not legal
vortexbetty: so I shouldn't say
vortexbetty: bye
dirtydeej2000: NO DON'T GO
vortexbetty: why?
dirtydeej2000: tell me more about yourself .. forget the dog
dirtydeej2000: I will
dirtydeej2000: so have you been in for 3 years?
vortexbetty: I can't forget
vortexbetty: Do you like puppies?
vortexbetty: I'm going to go now. bye.
dirtydeej2000: no,wait. I like puppies.
vortexbetty: I guess it's wrong to.
vortexbetty: You should be careful.
dirtydeej2000: I don't judge.
vortexbetty: no, they said it was wrong.
vortexbetty: I have to go now
dirtydeej2000: who's "they"
vortexbetty: I'm having thoughts
vortexbetty: everyone
dirtydeej2000: no, talking is good.
vortexbetty: bye
dirtydeej2000: when do you get out?
vortexbetty: for good? or what
dirtydeej2000: to visit? people & stuff.
vortexbetty: um...this weekend.
dirtydeej2000: are you a brunette?
vortexbetty: sometimes
dirtydeej2000 are you cute?
vortexbetty: yah
dirtydeej2000: I bet you are. Smart too, huh
vortexbetty: I like pie.
vortexbetty: dogs are bad.
vortexbetty: I have to go now bye
dirtydeej2000: why? tell me what happened?
vortexbetty: what happened?
dirtydeej2000: to you.
vortexbetty: nothing.
vortexbetty: I like sammiches. Do you want to get one with me?
dirtydeej2000: until you come clean and be honest you will have bad thoughts
and be uncomfrortable with yourself.
vortexbetty: Bye! :)

Whiny Vagina Card

2010-06-04T22:51:00.000-07:00

A while back, I wrote a blog titled "Sometimes it's because you're black". This blog is about jackasses that play the race card instead of taking accountability for one's own douchebaggery.

It drives me nuts when someone sucks, another someone points out that they suck, and the person who sucks figures, well, I can't possibly suck, so YOU MUST HATE ME CUZ I'M BLACK.

No, it's because you suck and it wouldn't matter if you were plaid or pea green, you'd still suck.

You know what bugs me just as much - and probably more than the race card?

The whiny vagina card.

I FUCKING HATE THE WHINY VAGINA CARD!

The whiny vagina card is everywhere. It’s in your schools, it’s in your gym, it’s in your workplace.

I’ve personally noticed that it gets played a lot in the stand up comedy scene.

I find it amusing when someone sees a line up of comedians booked at a particular show, maybe 2 shows in a row by the same person, and then screams from the roof top - THAT BOOKER HATES WOMEN! HE WON'T BOOK ME BECAUSE I'M A WOMAN, AND HE HATES WOMEN.

I especially find it amusing when they're hollering about a booker who has booked me on several occasions.

Is it because of my gigantic throbbing penis? Well, maybe…

Or maybe I'm booked because, oh shit, I don't know...they find me amusing and so does the crowd. Crazy, but that might be true.

"We women need to stick together and shove our bleeding vaginas in the men's faces, that'll show them!"

What....what will it show them exactly?

That we're whiny cunts that can't stand on our own, so instead we should present sisterly solidarity to show how much we suck in large numbers?

Fuck you, and fuck that.

It's shit like this that makes me pissed off to be a part of a particular gender.

DO NOT GET ME WRONG...

I love being a woman.

I love having a vagina, I love having boobs, I love getting to dress up and wear make up and get free drinks when I go out.

It's fucking rad.

It really is!

But am I going to assume that, when someone fails to book me after I annoy the crap out of them that it's because of the vacuous hole between my legs?

No.

I'm going to assume that, hey, maybe this person doesn't want to book me, maybe they have a say on who they do and don't book, maybe they think I suck and never want to hear me talk about anal bleaching on a stage that they're managing.

Wouldn't be the first time, won't be the last.

But what I won't do is hide behind my vagina and wave the Pussy Pitty Party flag.

Jesus Christ.

Just like I hate women who file lawsuits over a compliment about the way they are dressed, just like I hate women who weasel their way into jobs that they're not even remotely qualified for (102lb woman who can't pass a firefighter physical over a, gasp, white male who passed it with flying colors after finishing his fire science training...that kind of shit), just like I hate women who scream "SISTERHOOD" but as soon as you turn your back they become catty little twats, and just like I hate women who get drunk, fuck the entire football team, and then scream rape the next day because it sounds better than owning up to their fucking actions...

I can not stand, tolerate or respect a woman who hides behind their fucking vagina instead of being accountable for their own inadequacy as a human being.

It’s not because you’re a woman.

It’s probably because you’re a whiny cunt.

OH, also...

If I hear another woman suggest that being a total rag is acceptable because, "Oh, I can't be accountable for what I said...I was on my period," I may reach up and rip their fucking uterus out.

If you really can't control yourself due to the gaping blood faucet you harbor between your cottage cheese thighs, you should be on psychotropic medication.

Seriously.

Generally Speaking...

2009-08-22T16:03:00.000-07:00

It's interesting...

I grew up in Astoria, Oregon, a small coastal town of limited diversity, and I had thought I had heard it all in regards to generalizations based on race, gender, etc.

But when I moved down to the Bay Area, I learned a new one: DWA.

Or "Driving While Asian".

I had never heard this before. Apparently, Asians are bad drivers.

Where I came from, what you heard most of the time was the more nostalgic yet sexist "Women Are Bad Drivers" thing.

Or, even more locally specific, people from Washington are bad drivers - as if Oregonians have the lockdown on good driving and are oh so different than the state directly across the river from where I grew up.

What's interesting about my hometown, for being so redneck, is that while most people there are a variation of some kind of Scandinavian, we also had a small but proportionally large for the area, all things considered, Asian community. Mostly Chinese, though there were at least 2 Vietnamese families as well.

But not once while driving through Astoria with my windows down, something you can't do very often due to the 360 days per year of rain, did I ever hear anyone screaming from their pick-up truck, "DAMN ASIAN DRIVERS!".

Not once.

Once I finished school, I moved to the 'big city' of Portland, OR.

More diverse than Astoria, but still no Asian Motorist Hate.

But since I've been down in the Silicon Valley, I've heard the term DWA used. A lot. On stage by fellow comedians, off stage, at the grocery store, and mostly from other Asians, which I find entertaining.

It's as if a lot of them have resigned to the prevalence of that particular generalization, and now use their ethnicity as an excuse to be a shitty driver.

Like a girlfriend of mine claims she bleaches her hair to a bright platinum blonde so that "people expect less of her".

Same mentality.

Thinking maybe I was just missing something, I called my sister back up in Oregon. Her husband is Chinese, which makes my nieces and nephew half Chinese, and I think my "momma bear" (or would that be "auntie bear"?) tendencies make me a little prickly when it comes to any anti-Asian stereotype.

So I called and asked her if she'd ever heard this stereotype. She hadn't.

I asked one of my nieces. Newp. Hadn't heard it either.

Huh.

By nature, I have always tried to disprove stereotypes. Mostly personal ones like "You can't do this because you're a girl".

I had a little book, titled "School Days", that my mother bought for me when I started Kindgergarten.

I filled it out every school year, and one of the sections was "What I Want To Be When I Grow Up".

It had a girls section with options like Mother, Teacher, Nurse, Secretary.

And a boys section with options like Astronaut, Fireman, Doctor, Businessman.

I was very proud of my younger self to discover, when I picked up this forgotten journal of mine, that by the 3rd grade I was crossing out the girl side and choosing whatever the hell occupation I wanted - and they were all on the boy side. I had forgotten about this, but I had obviously made a very conscious observation at a very young age that this segregation was bullshit.

I wanted to be a goddamn Astronaut. Don't fence me in.

Due to a geographical fluke that led to the only other girls in my neighborhood being a bit snooty and more interested in playing with yucky dolls, all my friends were boys - they had better toys!

And I could pretty much, if I chose to, kick every single one of their asses. They would probably argue with this now, but it's true, and because of this knowledge, I refused to believe that I was a 'weaker sex'. I was a tough little broad. Dammit. Try and tell me otherwise and I'll kick over your snowman!

Actually at that point in my life, if you referred to my gender as my 'sex', I freaked out and ran out of the room, but that's neither here nor there. My how times change.

Anyway...back to DWA.

Like I said, I like to disprove what I think are baseless generalizations that people make. So I started paying pretty strict attention to who the shitty drivers were when I was on the road.

I would notice someone braking for no reason. Or swerving a bit. Or just generally doing something stupid. And I would maneuver to see who was driving, while saying to myself, "Please don't be Asian. Please don't be Asian. Please don't be...OHH! Goddamnit!"

Because they were more often than not just that: Asian.

I hadn't noticed any gender spike - it was pretty equally male and female stupidity I was noticing, but 9 out of 10 times...the Asians were, in fact, the culprit.

Then something dawned on me...as I passed by three or four Asian shopping centers on my way to the bank.

Of course the shitty drivers down here are primarily Asian:

THE PEOPLE DOWN HERE ARE PRIMARILY ASIAN.

It's simple math.

To say that, because most of the bad drivers you run into in this area are Asian would be like driving through Salt Lake City and noticing that all the bad drivers are Mormon.

GODDAMN MORMON DRIVERS!

Or to drive through the parking lot at a Melissa Etheridge concert and notice that all the shitty parking jobs were done by Lesbians.

GODDAMN LESBIAN PARKERS!

California is not more diverse than Oregon, as I once thought it would be.

It is more Asian.

There is a difference.

And it doesn't mean jack shit.

Even if you think it does.

I thought you should know.

Conversations with my son...

2008-07-30T00:32:00.000-07:00

My son, who's room is upstairs, and I communicate like all geek families do: via the internet. Even when in the same house.

Also, his girlfriend's last name is Jusi. So everyone calls her Juicy. Which is only slightly odder than his last girlfriend's name, which was Hershey.

Lisa : I made cookies.
James: is that what i smell
James: i thought it was the awesome smell of my closet
Lisa : haha
James: do they have yogurt or pickles in them?
Lisa : no, but they do have ham and pumpkin sauce.
James: that just wont do.
James: any magical corn?
Lisa : It's supposed to be a surprise, but yes.
James: ok
James: answer this right, and ill come down
James: james and juicy are ___________
Lisa : on the loosey
James: it doesnt rhyme
Lisa : yes it does.
Lisa : see? ^
James: no
James: guess something else
Lisa : gay as fire ants
James: i hate my life
Lisa : LOL
Lisa : why now?
James: because you guessed wrong
James: ill igve you 3 more
James: *give
Lisa : suffering from anal herpes
James: not yet
Lisa : planning to watch whales mate while singing show tunes
James: no
Lisa : a cute couple. *teehee
James: we're a fucking sexy couple we were making out in starbucks.
James: ok
James: coming down now.
Lisa : I ate all the cookies
James: FUCK
James: ok
James: staying up
Lisa :)
Lisa : I'll pee some out for you.
James: mother do you want me to come out of the closet?
James: because if theres cookies, i will
James: :]
James: otherwise im closeted.
Lisa : It's nicer out of the closet. There are bears and rainbows.
James: actually, ive came out before, and all i got was embarrassment and humiliation which led me to join a gang.
James: but if theres cookies, ill come out.
James: i dont feel like eating pee-reincarnate
James: -_-
>
>
>
>
>
>
James: holy shit are there cookies or not.

...

Sherri Holmes - where are you?

2008-07-21T12:12:00.000-07:00

What ever happened to you, Sherri Holmes?

I haven't seen you since…what…the 7th grade?

I'm sure you remember me, right? I was that one girl who sorta hung around with everyone. I had friends who hung with the stoners and the metal heads and friends that hung with the preps.

And, apparently, you hated me for that.

It always confused me the variety of style in my friends rendered me a possible "narc". For the longest time, I never even knew what that meant.

I dressed in a manner that I thought was pretty cool, though looking back, I can't believe my mother let me leave the house with that bad perm and fishing lure-like earrings.

And that make up…god that make up.

I remember you, though. Tiny, tough and angry as hell, from what I could tell. The layered spiked hair and the smears of blush that looked like racing stripes. You were a hard little person.

But what were you so pissed about, little girl?

To this day I'm still a little confused as to why you were angry at ME - again, the narc thing baffled me.

I mean, really, I don't think about you more than once a year these days, but you really were a big part of my life when I was 13.

You are the reason I hated going to school for the better part of a year.

The 7th grade was a little stressful to me having lost my father a couple years prior and dealing with that, and now knowing that if I walked down the hall during the wrong moment of the day, I would have an angry little pitbull in my face. I did everything I could to avoid you. But you seemed to always be there.

That one time in the soccer field…you remember, that day you, in your little fake black leather jacket and skin tight jeans, got all your scary 8th grade friends to gather around me, in my dorky little painter's cap and my "sarah jeans" knock offs, so that I couldn't leave the confrontation I so THOROUGHLY wanted to avoid. Remember when you hauled off and punched me square in the face and then wondered why I didn't punch back, chalking it up to the fact that I was too scared of you, laughing as you and your gang of courage walked away?

You were partially right. I was terrified.

And the time you waited for me outside the locker room when it was just you and I in the hall – when your right hook landed squarely on my cheekbone. Why were you so angry with me? And why did you seem to get so pissed off that I wouldn't fight back? That seemed to REALLY flabbergast you, all 5 foot nothing of your slight but wiry frame shaking with fury. I still remember the look in your heavily lined eyes when you yelled, "What is WRONG with you???" just before you spun around and stomped away.

I didn't see you much after that. From what I understand, even though I was rendered mute by the stress of losing a father, a home life that was 'interesting' to put it mildly, and of being hassled by a little ball of aquanet and skank at every turn when all I wanted in the world was be left alone…apparently, people at the school caught wind of what was going on and, with the accumulation of all the other trouble you had gotten yourself into over the years, your fascination with punching my face landed you in a girl's home for a bit.

I didn't miss you.

I do recall seeing you about four years later when you and some older man walked into the fast food restaurant I worked at afterschool.

I remember that even though I had actually come out of my shell quite a bit by then, I was once again rendered silent and paralyzed just by your presence that day. A friend and coworker of mine, who had also been a friend to me back when you and I spent our quality time together, saw who we were serving and took great pride in 'doctoring your meal'. I'm sure you didn't notice. Anymore than you recognized me when you seemingly stared right through me standing there as someone else took your order.

I remembered you. How could you have not remembered me?

That's when I wondered if I was just one of many weak little girls that you fancied as your punching bag.

If I was just one in a long line of people whose lives you made such a huge impact on.

You realize that, right? You know how important you became to me?

Maybe that was part of your problem. You weren't important to anyone back then.

Maybe you had lost a father. Or had a home life that was 'interesting' to say the least.

And instead of turning inside yourself like I had, your only way to cope was to lash out

Is that what it was, Sherri? You were just as scared and stressed out as me, but we just had different methods of coping? Maybe we were just two sides of the same coin.

Like I said, over the years, you have become less important to me.

But I haven't forgotten you. I'm sure I never will.

I hope you've become important to someone else, but if you haven't, just know that someone's thinking about you, if only on occasion.

BBWhat?

2008-06-16T17:12:00.001-07:00

BBW.

That is a term that confuses me.

I mean for one, it reminds me of BBQ, but I'm hungry.

But I think it confuses a lot of people.

BBW stands for Big Beautiful Woman for those of you who have been under a big fat rock.

I see this term applied to women who are neither all that big, and to be honest, not always that beautiful.

Alright, that's all subjective I know, but all I'm saying is that the term seems pretty broad. No pun intended.

Ok it was intended.

I'm a thick girl. Fat to some people, just right to others. I'm a size 14 (I like to cling to the fact that Marilyn Monroe was also a 14…haha) on the downswing of my rollercoaster, and a 16 on the upswing.

I yo-yo so much, I put Oprah to shame.

I got up to an 18 (or, let's be honest, maybe 20) a couple years ago, but that was completely out of hand for me. I was not comfortable nor was I feeling all that beautiful. Just big and womanish.

What I'm wondering, though, is this:

Is there a size range for BBWs? Is it 14 and up?

Is it 16 and up?

Is it 20 and up?

The reason I ask is I KNOW I'm a chubby broad. I can shop at Lane Bryant and, while I wear the smallest size in the 'fat girl store', I can also still shop in the Misses section at Macey's.

Barely.

An XL top will fit me in some brands, be too baggy in others (like Old Navy) and be way too fucking tight in the rest. Now, to be fair, I have huge boobs. But I'm also talking about the shoulders and the arms (I have fat arms).

I was pretty stoked when I found a shirt at Forever 21 (god I hate that name) when I was on a shopping spree with some girlyfaces I know and love.

I seem to be stuck in this limbo between acceptably fat and unacceptably fat, and I go back and forth between being content (not happy, but content…or is it resigned?) with my weight (except for my arms, I always hate those) and fighting the good fight with Weight Watchers.

Truth be told, these days the weight loss battle is more for health reasons than anything, followed by overall comfort (it sucks to be fat during during hot weather).

That and I'd rather enjoy a shopping trip (I know, oxymoron, shopping sucks) without wondering if a particular store caters to 'real women' or just to coathangers and Asians (no offense to you fat Asians out there. I feel ya momma.)

One night, I went, on a whim, to some dance with the name "Big Boogie Nights". It was for big girls and people who loved them.

I was easily the smallest woman there – that rarely happens when I'm at a dance club.

I had no less than 5 women that I chatted with over the evening tell me, "Um, hate to say this, but you're not a BBW. You're not even fat."

Like hell you say.

I actually got accused of going to the dance to try to lure the men away from the "real" BBWs.

Fuckin A, I just wanted to drink and peoplewatch! Haha.

Then I was told by yet another that I needn't bother trying to lure the chubby chasers away because they were there for a reason.

Whatthefuckever.

I guarantee you that if I went and stood in line at some horrible velvet rope meat market type dance club, I would easily be the heaviest cow in the herd, and chances are, it would not be 'my scene'.

So where's my 'place'??

Is there a category for TBW (thick beautiful women) or CBW (chubby beautiful women) or WWAKFBNR (women who are kinda fat but not really)??

Recently I forwarded on a message over Myspace for a BBW awards thingy and I had a friend ask if they should vote for me on it?

Well, I dunno.

Should they?

I mean hell, I'd be honored to win a BBW award – any kind of award is appreciated!! Haha. PRIZES, FABULOUS PRIZES!!

But would I be told "you're not quite fat enough" ? LOL

I'm not worried about being too fat to be fuckable. I know there are a few white guys, as well as thousands of black guys and Mexicans that will always see me as just perfect. And boys, I love ya for it.

I'm going to go pick up 2 double cheeseburgers, a 22 oz beer, and an ice cream sammich and try to figure this all out.

Casinos and boobs...

2008-05-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

This last weekend, I traveled to Florence, Oregon to perform in a comedy show called “Women Under the Influence”, a show consisting of a variety of female comedy acts that was to be held the night before Mother’s Day at a Casino.

I was looking forward to this show because casino gigs are fun. They just are. I mean it’s a casino for godssakes, a big den of sin with gambling and free flowing drinks, people out chain smoking on the floor while fighting the one armed bandits trying to win back the mortgage payments they’ve squandered while drinking too much of whatever the drink special happens to be. I loooove me some casino gigs!

I get all gussied up in my hotel room – one of the nicest damn rooms I’ve seen in a casino, one of the perks at performing at a newer establishment – and I head down for the sound check a few hours prior to the show.

I walk past the gaming floor where people are hootin and hollering and having a good time and into the event center. I’m sitting with the rest of the gals and waiting for the “Free Range Chix”, a musical comedy act, to finish with their sound check, when I’m approached by a woman wearing a very sensible Hillary Clinton-esque pantsuit and a very short – and sensible – hairstyle. She points at me, smiles – this strange uncomfortable smile – and says, “Hi…can I speak with you a moment out in the hall?” with this “cute” little eye squint and shoulder shrug I’m sure I can’t quite convey in text.

“..me?” I say, looking around.

What could she possibly need with me…does she even know who I am? Probably not…so what’s up I wonder…

So I follow her out to the hall, looking over my shoulder at the rest of the group with a “I have NO idea” look on my face, and they return my confused expression.

So Hillary says to me, “Um….I was wondering…um…one of our staff, she said that you were showing an awful lot of your…yourself…and I was…well….”

And this whole time she’s eyeballing my cleavage. My ever present cleavage that was displayed above the low neckline of my fancy black dress with the little pink roses on it. And she’s waving her hand uncomfortably around her lack of cleavage, but to demonstrate what she was getting at…

Oh good lord…is this really happening???

I’m standing there unblinking with my jaw on the floor because I realized, yes, this is indeed happening…

“Um…because…well, we’re just concerned that…well, we have an image that we’re trying to uphold, and….”

The whole time I’m thinking….’I’m…in…a…fucking…CASINO!!!’

But I’m flabbergasted.

I mean, I am fucking SPEECHLESS!!!

Finally, as she paused in her diatribe, I stammered out the words, “Uh…so…what is it I’m supposed to do here….”

To which she replies, “Um…well? Maybe you could just…tuck them in a little.”

TUCK THEM IN? WHAT THE FUCK…WHERE AM I???

And during this whole thing, I’m rethinking my whole act, and the fact that my breasts are quite possibly the LEAST offensive thing about me…

I don’t believe I was actually able to complete a full sentence during this whole lecture. I just sat there unblinking, probably with my mouth hanging open. When Hillary just stood there with that condescending scrunched up smile thing on her face – the silence indicating that she may have run out of ways to tell me to reign in my wild wild bosom…I said, “Well..I will see what I can do….”

I went back into the event center, and everyone was sitting there waiting for me with “What the hell???” looks on their face. And as I walked towards them, with 2 thumbs, I pointed towards my offending mammaries and mouthed “THESE”.

“What????” one of them said, I think it was Virginia, and I flopped down into one of the chairs and just started laughing. Hysterically. Fortunately the sound check for the Chix was about over, because I just fucking lost it, laughing my ass off, tears rolling down my face, as one by one, the gals realized that my breasts had just been SCHOOLED.

“You got ‘called into the principal’s office’ for violation 38DD?? Am I hearing this right??” To which I laugh/wailed “YESSSS!!!BUAHAHAHAHA!!”

And Susan Rice, one of my favorite comics in the world and the headliner of this show, is all “Oh…oh dear…oh HONEY…do NOT take this to heart, you look BEAUTIFUL” and she offered to lend me a cardigan to cover up the offending mounds of sinful flesh, and then she says, “Good lord…do they not know who they’re dealing with here? Do they not know what kind of material we have? Oh dear…”

So we all got a lot of mileage out of this for the rest of the night, making boobie jokes, and COVER THAT SHIT UP was shouted here and there at things like bare wrists and too much leg, as well as “This is GOD’S CASINO, AND GOD HATES BOOBIES!”.

Of course my first reaction was to say FUCK IT and keep the same outfit on, but since this was a group of women who were pretty pleased to have this gig, I decided to change into a very very similar dress, similar with the exception of the fact that it had a higher neck, though it was just as form fitting, and a bit shorter – had it been JUST me, I would have probably gotten a mile out of this incident on stage that night…this story is still going to get mileage, but on a different stage.

So I come back down from my room, wearing the different dress, and just irritated as all hell. We head to dinner, and in the café near the bar, there’s Hillary – this time, instead of scolding boobies, she’s slinging food orders, which for some reason, amused me. She glances over me, sees that I’ve changed, and she smiles at me – this creepy smile of approval. I smiled back, my fake smile of ‘go fuck yourself’.

So, everyone is amazed that, at this point, I’m not drinking. I obviously need a drink, as this whole thing has thrown me for a loop. So I stop by the bar to grab a drink on the way to the green room. I said, “You sure they allow drinks back there??” to which they were all sure they did. To which we joked about them allowing alcoholic beverages during the ‘service…er…performance’, as well as passing around a collection plate, yada…

So I order “a Stoli and soda to take with me to the green room.”

“Um…I’m sorry, all the drinks have to stay in the bar.”

”Seriously?”

“Yeah, I’m afraid so,” scrunched up smile thing on yet another casino employee.

“Oooh kaaay. Well can I grab a double Stoli and soda please then?”

“I’m sorry,” scrunch scrunch, “But we can’t do doubles here.”

Blink.

“Well then…can I order a fucking shot of Jack and a mocha please?”

“Yes! We can do that!”

Amazing.

So in conclusion…the show went great, believe it or not. I got up on stage, started with my normal, slightly blue material, and went over great. Did some clean stuff that sort of fell flat, flew right back into the gutter, and had the place rolling – which actually I had to be convinced and reassured of later because I just wasn’t sure of anything anymore. Seriously, the whole boob incident really rocked my world and knocked me off kilter, which is odd for me and I’ll chock up to prior exhaustion. But throngs of people, un-offended casino dwellers, approached me with great things to say after the show, which is always fantastic, and I had a strange man waiting for me outside the bathroom to tell me he thought I was really awesome. Creepy, but pretty cool. And then there was the guy who told me about 3 inches from my face that he thought I was, and I quote, “really really really really….REALLY omg really awesome”. So I hugged him.

And after the show, we were asked to sign the wall in the green room, as well as the posters and other promo material, and I guess we’ve been asked back for a future show. Awesome! My contained boobies helped facilitate a future invite.

So, after I signed the wall, I noticed that there was a cluster of signatures from the members of the band, 38 Special.

I’ve always liked them, so now I’m a member.

Craigslist and drywall and cats...Fuckin A!

2008-04-15T22:14:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about my day.

Ok, the first several hours of the day were fucking painful.

I had 3 hours of sleep (my own fault) and had to endure an all day meeting in a hot conference room with little to no A/C. First few speakers were okay, but then one just had a hard time being interesting (not that you can BE that fucking interesting talking about fiber optic computer components, but that's neither here nor there) and the last one had a very very very loose grasp on the English language. Sweet girl, but fuckin A.

THEN my daughter calls me on my way FROM the dull meeting TO my company dinner (yes, I was not off the hook at 5pm, I had to pretend to be social for another few hours at dinner) and tells me about blah blah blah her ex-boyfriend (douche) is talking about marrying the scabby chick he's been dating for 4 days and how stupid is that, blah blah blah. I agree.

Ok, let me just say...her ex-boyfriend is a douche - he married some chick WHILE they were dating (did I mention that my daughter is 20 and giving me a run for my money in the crown for Queen of Bad Taste In Guys??), but she stuck with him for a while, leaving him after she got fed up, and dated a few real winners that made the first guy look good - including but not limited to some guy who was in jail for manslaughter.

No, I'm not kidding.

I love you sweetie, but you lose at 'good taste in guys'.

Where did I go wrong??? LOL FUUUCK!!! Some things you just can't control. I guess I COULD have had better taste in guys (I do now, it just took a few decades to figure out), but I think I'll just blame MY mom for that. Or something.

Well, let's just fast forward - she met some guy on Craigslist - yes, Craigslist - about 2 weeks ago (maybe 2 and a half, I hate to minimize their long term relationship) who, as far as I know, eats babies and puts wombats in his ass. He probably doesn't, but I'm have no proof.

So I get this call...after the dinner which turned out to be kind of nice actually...wait, no, it was a text that said:

"Hey mommy, TJ (baby eater) asked me to marry him and I said yes. Don't freak out or anything, but I said yes. And don't worry, we're not going to live together for at least 6 months and I..."

And it cuts off.

WHAT THE FUCK????

So I call her. No answer, I get voicemail.

"Honey...you are not NOT answering me now...after that fucking text. Have you lost your mind? I love you, call me back."

Phone rings.

Conversation basically goes, Hey honey, how's the concert, yeah? Cool...ok, what THE FUCK is going on?

She says, "Mom, didn't you get the last part of the text where I said not to freak out cuz..."

"Yeah yeah, you're not moving in together for 6 months and it got cut off, what did it say after that that's going to ease my mind?"

"Oh..nothing, that was pretty much it."

"ARE YOU ON THE FUCKING PILL? SERIOUSLY. TELL ME YOU'RE ON THE PILL"

Then I go on to tell her that while I realize he's so sweet and so nice and blah blah blah...you know who else was? MIKE! Mike is my ex-boyfriend, bad rebound after bad marriage that ended up being just as much or more of a mistake than the husband - who I might add, I married at 20....AND IT WAS A BAD FUCKING IDEA.

But I keep the conversation as light as possible, tell her that I love her, and to keep me posted on her brain falling out of her ass. Oh and that if she gets married any time soon, I'm fucking kidnapping her and moving to Guam.

So I call my boyfriend, semi freaking out, and tell him all this.

And he says....he has some more kind of bad news.

"What...what the hell could you possibly be adding to my night?"

Well, he informs me that he heard what sounded like an angry Stellah (my bitchfiend of a white cat) but he can't find her....and the dry wall guy who was here to repair the huge holes in the wall from our plumbing job ...has finished covering up holes in dry wall.

....

"......are you telling me that my cat is in the fucking wall???"

"Yeah...well, I don't know. I can't find her. I haven't seen either of them (I have 2 cats, one cuntface cat, one nice cat) in a while and I can't find them."

My cats...are in the fucking walls.

Ok we don't know this for sure.

BUT MY CATS ARE IN THE FUCKING WALLS.

SEALED INTO THE WALLS.

MY DAUGHTER IS MARRYING A GUY FROM CRAIGSLIST SHE'S KNOWN FOR 2 WEEKS MAX AND MY CATS ARE IN THE WALLS.

I call my friend, Lora, because she's one of the few people who can talk me down.

I get the answering machine.

"Nooo...you have to be there!!!"

Tony, her boyfriend and my other good good friend, picks up and asks me what's going on when he can tell I'm upset.

I tell him - freaking the fuck out. Daughter marrying Craigsist guy, cats in the walls!!!!

"You're craaazy, let me get Lora," he says laughing.

So I tell her what's going on.

Between her and Tony, they tell me I should cut a hole in the wall, get the cats out, pick up my daughter, and seal HER into the wall.

I find this to be great advice.

Call waiting beeps....and I switch over, and it's the boyfriend - and he's found the cats. And they are, indeed, in the fucking wall. Sealed into the fucking wall.

So he kicks a hole into the wall and lets the cats out. Like the fucking Hulk, he's kicked through the wall cats spew forth like champagne corks.

...now I have to figure out how to get my daughter in there.

Needless to say...I'm drinking now.

Vivaaaaa Las Vegassssss

2008-04-13T23:06:00.000-07:00

Ok...so I got back from 3 nights in Vegas for the Viva Las Vegas Rockabilly Weekender.

Holy cow am I wrecked. Seriously.

I think another day there may have actually KILLED me.

I had a blast, though, and it was fun to play dress up every day - the girls and I had at least one wardrobe change per day...I mean come on, we couldn't prance around at night in the same ol' duds we wore during the DAY, could we? Pssshhaw.

The oh so welcoming banner at the Gold Coast Casino, HQ for VLV...and where we all stayed so we merely had to CRAWL back to our rooms when necessary.

My first beer of the weekend - ok it was purchased and drank at San Francisco airport. I started early. I spent the rest of the weekend drinking double stoli and sodas, though - triple when I ordered them in my VLV Commemorative boot glass. Worked out well for me.

This is Big Ed. My first official pain in the ass of the trip. Big Ed spent a lot of time telling me how beautiful my breasts were and did I EVEN KNOOOOW HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM? NO, SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW....GOD YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL BREASTS. Big Ed had personal space issues. Big Ed got shoved a lot. Big Ed became the first in a line of fat Mexican guys to follow me around. I'm not sure what was up with that.

This is Betti the Yetti. I was walkin around with some friends and I saw her from across the room and yelled OMFG BETTI THE YETTI! and ran like a maniac, waving my arms wildly.

I put in $20, and Betti gave me back $353. I thought that was a fair trade.

This is some girl who I was fascinated with. She was kind of a big girl, hard to tell from that pic, but she was just fucking fantastic. Bright red hair, porcelain skin, purple dress...and she rocked that big bottom of hers. I told her so.

This is me being fancy. Schmancy.

Um...best night of comedy for me ever.

2008-04-09T10:54:00.000-07:00

So I was booked to do this room last night just north of San Francisco, and I was pretty excited about it.

I've heard it's a good room, and apparently Robin Williams hangs out there a lot, as does Dana Carvey...so yeah, that's neato. But not really why I went, I just like good stage time, and I've heard it's a fun audience.

So I get there, and the booker was goin on how Carvey was in NY this week and he thinks Robin Williams is in LA. So yeah, not gonna be there. Ok, whatever.

Since I was new to the room, I went up and did 10 minutes of my thang up front. Went surprisingly well (I was unsure at first when I saw the audience and thought they may be a little too 'nice' to appreciate my brand of humor, but I was mistaken), got a great reaction.

Got off stage, went back to the Green Room, and I'm greeted by Robin Williams - telling me I was fuckin funny and I rocked the house, great job!

/thud

So THAT was fucking cool.

Then...I was already slated to be a last minute replacement for this silly comedy improv thing they do called 'Totally Looped' - where they play movie clips and have comics do the voices of the people in the movie, total improv, and we had no idea what the movies were ahead of time, but changed what the 'theme' was supposed to be by taking audience suggestions.

And since Robin Williams was there, he replaced one of the guys that was going to do it.

So yeah...I got to sit there and do improv with fuckin Robin Williams, and it went SOO fucking well. More kudos and a big sweaty hairy man hug from Williams (and the booker, which is ultimately just as important), and lots of kudos from the owner of the theater, too.

I won't say I can die happy now or anything because of that, but HOLY SHIT, WHAT A FUCKING NIGHT.

SERIOUSLY.

What a boost. Comedy can be a fucking rocky road sometimes, so this was pretty fucking awesome.

Stalkerazzi cell phone picture of Williams, center.

Sometimes, it is too good to be true...(Dating Nightmare)

2008-03-31T19:11:00.000-07:00

We all have the nightmare dating story, don't we?

So I figured I'd share one of my personal favorites:

So I used to spend some time – ok a lot of time – in Yahoo chat rooms, particularly the regional one for my area, as I was among a regular group that would hang out together at “GT’s (get togethers). It was a fun little time in my life. I met a lot of cool people, a few of whom I still hang out with regularly nearly a decade later.

So one day I was in the chat room and this one guy I had been chatting with for a while, sends me an instant message. We chatted a bit, very platonically, probably making fun of someone in the chat room, when he says, “Ok I gotta tell you something.” So I’m like..uh..ok go ahead.

So he tells me that he just got out of jail and he wouldn’t blame me if I didn’t want to talk to him again.

So I’m like, what the fuck do I care, we’re just chatting…did you kill and eat babies or something?

And he said, no, it was for theft, and he spent 3 months in jail.

I said big deal, stop being a fuck up and/or getting caught, it’s no skin off my nose either way. I’m not your momma.

He seemed pretty happy that I was “so cool” about things, and we continued our conversation.

We chatted, just like I chatted with a lot of people every day, for the course of nearly a year, and he told me I should swing by his work on my way to work some time (he worked as a night stocker at a grocery store in my area) to say hi. He said he’d be the guy named Tony (nametag to indicate), 6’2”, dark hair, etc.

So like another month later, I actually NEEDED to swing by the store on my way to work, so I stopped by. Did a quick sweep of the aisles, and then I found him.

Holy crap, GORGEOUS MAN.

Tall, Italian, beautiful gorgeous man.

He recognized me from my profile pic and we introduced ourselves, and I did the best I could not to drool on the floor. This was very unlike me, but goddamn.

So fast forward a few weeks, and I stopped by the store again to say hi, and he asked me if I wanted to go out. Uh…sure! “Yeah, that’d be cool”.

So we went out, had a few drinks, had a good time. We went back to his place and had an even better time.

We talked for quite a while later on that evening, and he brought up his 4 year old son, and then mentioned that he was fighting to get regular visitation with him, that now, he barely got to see him, and that his visits were ‘supervised visits’.

Red flag! WOOP WOOP!

So I asked why they were supervised visits.

He said due to his jail time.

I said, they require visits to be supervised because of a damn theft charge?

“Oh..well…actually…”

And he goes on to tell me ‘the whole story of what happened’. Quote unquote. Yeah.

That he and his CRAZY fucking girlfriend got into this fight, you see, and that she was one of those crazy bitches that started swinging and punching and going ape shit just cuz she could, and to get her off of him, he kicked her in the thigh hard enough to knock her down. And to cool off, he left in their car. But the car is in her name, so she called the cops, said he physically abused her, and then stole her car.

So he went to jail being convicted of domestic abuse and grand theft.

Huh.

Alright. You know, this sounded…plausible. And he had told me the whole story, and I guess I can see why he didn’t disclose this when we were only ‘chat friends’. Whatever, it’s not like I was marrying this guy, we were just having fun.

So yeah, fast forward another few weeks. We’d spent some time together off and on. Fun guy, really sweet, extremely sensuous…gave GRREAT fucking body rubs, had cool taste in music….was hot as fuck (mm those sculpted prison yard bodies…lol)…and yeah.

So we were back at his house again, and after a pretty cool evening, we were hanging out in the kitchen, and he grabbed his mail. After opening this one piece of mail, he gets all sorts of pissed off. Like…way pissed off.

So I’m going, “Uh…what’s up? Bad news?”

Ok…so he tells me how his ex is REALLY fucking him over now, and how she’s filed a civil suit against him for ongoing medical expenses, god DAMN it!!!

….the fuck?

So, of course….I ask him – totally calm like he had just told me that he really likes Frosted Flakes for breakfast or something else equally banal – “Oh? Ongoing medical expenses? What makes her think she can sue for that?”

So he proceeds to tell me how it’s bullshit. I mean, yes, he shattered her eye socket, but he only punched her in the face once, and now it’s like he’s got to pay for it the rest of his life, and where does she think he’s going to come up with the goddamn fucking money to pay for three goddamn reconstructive surgeries, anyway? FUCK!

So I am sitting there in this house, TRYING SO FUCKING HARD not to physically react to this fantastic news, instead just quietly nodding and offering up reassuring (Don’t Kill Me!!) things like, “Wow, that really sucks.” And “So what can you do about this?” as he paces back and forth with crazy eyes, and I sit there thanking god that I never gave this guy my phone number (old habit of mine cuz…you know, if you give someone your number, they might actually call, and I hate that shit) or let him know where I lived. Now if I could just get out of there in one piece…

I got out of there in one piece. I think I cut the evening short by saying my dog was on fire or something equally believable, and he was too distracted with his impending lawsuit to question it.

Over the next few months, he’d catch me online and ask me out, and I’d find reasons not to go (like “I like my face intact cuz I’m a crazy rebel like that), and eventually he stopped bothering me.

I saw him like 6 months later at a party (Yahoo GT actually), but fortunately, he was so drunk that he was only able to, after following me around like a puppy all night, pass out under the sprinklers in my friend’s yard, only to be carted away by 2 even bigger friends the next morning.

Weee!!! Being single was fun. LOL

Blood Poisoning and Big Tobacco

2008-03-22T19:33:00.000-07:00

Ok so last fall, my mother ends up in the hospital with blood poisoning that stemmed from an infection in what they thought might be a cancerous lesion on the side of her head, which I think I mentioned.

And I'm like, "What the hell? Blood poisoning? My brother's had it a few times, the whole red line going up his leg from some random wound (usually incurred while raiding someone's booby trapped pot farm), which would result in a hasty trip to the hospital where they'd pump him full of antibiotics. And my mother gets it. WHO THE HELL GETS THIS? I NEVER hear of people getting fuckin blood poisoning except for people in my family!"

So I get home last night from a gig in the city (when you move to the area, you conform and start calling "San Francisco "The City". It's weird), I realize that I'm sorta feeling like shit, and I look down and I've got a fucking red line going up my arm.

WHAT THE FUCK? SERIOUSLY?

I have this owie on my hand near my thumb, a weird result of being run down, has no real 'name', just when my body gets run down, it turns on me and tells me to fuck off. Been happening ever since I had the back rebuilt. Ok. Whatever.

Well, long story short, I guess the owie got infected. But not just normal infected, I end up with a fucking stripe up my arm. LAME.

So the next morning, after I've marked it at the end of the stripe so that I can see if it progresses, I look, and it's grown another 6 inches. Fuck, fine, to the E.R. with me.

(Should I mention that my health insurance doesn't start for 5 more days? LOL figures)

I get there, they scoot me on back to start me on an 'aggressive treatment', yada...antibiotics...whatever. And this doctor starts yapping about MRSA Staph and asks me if I'm interested in this experimental trial study thing, and that it's actually a great deal, and I should do it. And I'm like wait a minute, do I HAVE MRSA? And he says he doesn't know, but it's a great treatment and that this one woman, for example, was calling so she could get back IN the study, that's just how great it was.

...wtf.

And so I'm like ok....yeah, great, it's a great program, but do I have MRSA Staph?

Not necessarily, but yada yada, sunshine and unicorns, you should do it, yada, because if it's MRSA Staph, this has been shown to do great things for it.

Hmmm.

I asked him to clarify the path he took from a non-diagnosis, which I will call "Point A"....to being treated for MRSA, which I will refer to now as "Point B". I apologize, because I know I'm loopy, but I'm still not getting it.

Ok he's still not being any clearer.

Well, so I'm thinking if it's just some antibiotic...I guess they're going to give me an antibiotic anyway, and it'll be free....but still....something seems weird.

So he says he'll have the representative doctors from the study come in and talk to me about it.

Alright...

I mean, I'm feeling like shit, here, and really, whatever. Just fix me and let me go home.

So these 2 doctors come in, some strange smiling woman and a creepy mean looking older man.

And they tell me that they can't even talk to me without me signing something. So I glance at it, fine, I sign it.

Then they tell me that it's this great fantastic yada thing, and that it will involve me coming back tomorrow and being hooked up to an I.V. for 6-8 hours, and then coming back for the next 3-5 days for an hour at a time for more treatments.

WTF?

I think I actually said "WTF??"

So I said, "6 to 8 hours on an IV?? Um...I don't think I'm so interested. I was led to believe that it was an oral antibiotic, not something I'd be spending all my time at the hospital for."

Angry faces.

Dr. Crapface starts in about how if I don't do this trial, I won't have a second chance. And I'm like ok...fine? And he tells me that if what I end up doing DOESN'T work, I'll have pus oozing from my wound, and then they might be able to help me.

Dr. Prissybritches just stood there and smiled.

Seriously...? You're trying to scare me?

"Really, it's beneficial for you to try it. And we'll compensate you such and such for the first day, and such and such for each day after that. And if you don't have insurance, it's really in your best interest" (Paraphrased - I'm at the point where his words started to fog together - but that was the gist).

Crapface glares. Prissybritches smiles sweetly.

I felt somewhat like I was dealing with a used car salesman. "Today's the only day we're allowed to give this great great deal!" No it's not, you fucking liars. You just don't want to walk me.

So I gave it some more thought and thought, you know what? No.

I don't even, as far as I KNOW, have MRSA staph, and no, I don't feel like spending Easter Fucking Sunday strapped into a hospital bead with an IV drip of mystery juice. No sir, I do not want to drink the fucking Kool Aid.

So they leave my room very disappointed.

So other doctors come back, they start the 'non-stay-in-bed-for-6-hour-stuff' IV drip, I do my 20 minutes or so, and the doctor writes me a nice prescription for Darvocet for pain - and an antibiotic to be taken orally (heh..heh..she said orally..heh) for the next 5 days.

He was going to write me a prescription for Augmentin, but then, since I have no prescription coverage, he says that he's going to write me a prescription for this other antibiotic, Septra. It's very inexpensive, he explains, because the patent is expired.

Oh, and good news, he says...Septra is very affective against MRSA if I end up having that.

Ok it takes me a good 20 minutes to react to this...because, hi, I'm sick.

BUT WHAT THE HELL?

If Septra is fantastic and effective against MRSA (IF I EVEN FUCKING HAVE IT...I'm starting to think they may have slipped it to me when I wasn't looking), oh...and inexpensive...why the hell was there ever this debate???

OH, I don't know...because since Septra is cheap, the fat cats at the pharmaceutical companies aren't making bank on it anymore and need a new wonder drug that will drain our pockets to replace it?

I know I'm sounding like a conspiracy theorist here...but holy fuckin hell, it was a dirty feeling I got after dealing with Dr. Crapface, king of the failed hard sell.

So yeah, I'm at home now...after spending a whopping $12 on my Septra.

The ER bill was nearly $900, that's neither here nor there, but I'm still left with the stench of Big Tobacco...oh, excuse me, I mean the creepy pharmaceutical company on my skin and the bad taste of arsenic laced kool aid in my mouth.

But at least I have Darvocet!

Oh, and I just watched Donnie Darko. If you haven't seen that movie, it's fuckin cool.

My afternoon in the park with tweakers.

2008-02-19T14:52:00.000-08:00

This past Saturday, I drove up to San Francisco to film some sketch comedy thing that I was asked to be a part of.

One premise for the show is a game show involving homeless bums.

Yeah, I know, fucked up, but it's all in the name of comedy and we were fully prepared to compensate them for their time with cash and a meal. We weren't exploiting them. Ok we were, but in a nice way.

So I wasn't thinking the process would actually be all that hard. Grab a few bums from the Mission in SF and go to town. We've got shopping cart races, a pinata...beer for a 'shot gun' contest. Good times will be had.

Ok, so the first bum we approached was aesthetically perfect for what we needed. She was PERFECT! Her face kind of looked like a rotting apple, she had her own shopping cart full of random bags of shit...total bag lady type.

But when she toddled off to get some of her friends she must have been distracted by something shiny because we never saw her again.

In the meantime, Chantal, the comedian that's putting this whole thing together, calls and says, "Hey, I've found 2 more in Safeway."

Right on, bring 'em over!

Ok...she shows up with these 2 people. They aren't what I was picturing, but yeah...they're homeless and filthy. And it's not getting any earlier, so sure, let's utilize them.

Their names are Mike - or, if you use his street name, Ticktock - and Fidget (I think her real name was Sadie, but she went by Fidget primarily).

Score, they're legit. They have street names.

Ticktock is 47 (which he tells me approximately 400 times throughout the day and how easy it is to be 47) and actually not a bad looking guy. He's wearing a bright orange Tshirt, 2 jackets wrapped around his waist, camoflauge pants, and some non descript sneakers. He smells like ass. Moldy unbathed ass.

Fidget is 18, looks twelve, and also a nice looking person. With the exception of the crazy eyes that is. It does not take a PhD to realize in short order that Fidget is fucking dangerous and not to be fucked with, despite her 100lb frame. She's adorable. And scary as hell.

So they sit down with me and Miles while Chantal goes back into the store.

Oh, did I mention Miles? We found Miles on Craigslist. We weren't sure if we'd have enough real bums so we hired one off Craigslist. Miles was awesome.

So Miles and I are sitting down at an outside table near Jamba Juice, and the conversation goes a little like this.

Ticktock (who talks a LOT like Kramer): "So uh, what do you think, uh, you have in mind for this, you think after we're done shooting that maybe we can all party? You know, get down and party?"

Fidget: "GODDAMN IT, MIKE, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO FUCK YOU, ALRIGHT? SHE'S NOT GOING TO FUCK YOU. SO DON'T EVEN ASK HER, GODDAMN."

Ticktock: "OHH..NO no no no, I didn't say that, no I'm just saying party, maybe we could all get a motel room and party."

Fidget: "I SAID SHE'S NOT GOING TO FUCK YOU, ALRIGHT? GODDAMN IT MIKE EVERY TIME, EVERY TIME TIME TIME GOD SHE'S NOT GOING TO FUCK YOU!"

Me: "...eh..."

Miles: (Scared silence and what seemed to be a realization that answering an ad on Craigslist is not always an ok idea).

Ticktock: "Just so you know, I'm down with anything down with anything, I've filmed a lot of things, I've been all over, you know I've done bisexual porn, just throw it at me, I'm down. You need me to fuck anything?"

Fidget: "AH GEEZ, MIKE, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW THIS, ALRIGHT? SHE'S NOT GOING TO FUCK YOU."

So Chantal comes back and pretty soon her friend Tiffany shows up to help with the filming.

CAN I JUST SAY THANK GOD FOR TIFFANY?

Mike took one look at Tiffany and started crying. Apparently Tiffany reminds Mike of his ex, someone named Mercedes, and he couldn't look at her without welling up, which didn't stop him - I was suddenly invisible as Mike stared longingly at her for the remainder of our time together, insisting FREQUENTLY that Tiffany be filmed as well.

I was free.

Tiffany was not loving the thought that she could possibly be mistaken for some sort of homeless tweaker who broke Ticktock's heart at some point in the past.

We start in on the homeless shopping cart races. This was more of a challenge that you'd think as the Safeway we were sniping carts from had that auto lock thing on their carts. Fidget informed me that if you pick them up, turn them upside down, and carry them over the threshhold that they won't set off the lock. She seemed quite annoyed with me for not knowing this very well known fact.

I'm such an amature.

We finally got a few usable carts, and the races began after a few shots of them with their 'game faces' on. Please know that this was one of the most amusing parts of the day: Tweakers talking shit with mean faces. I believed every word they said.

Well, not Miles. Miles wasn't a tweaker and was just too nice. It was like trying to get Rachel Ray to be convincing as a junkie.

Ticktock turned out to be a real diva, and announced that he didn't like being told what to do. He also really wanted to use one of our cell phones to call his dealer. We politetly declined. Ok I actually lied and told him my phone had died as to not incur his wrath, but Tiffany told him flat out she didn't want to be in his network, which she was safe doing because she could do no wrong in Ticktock's eyes.

Fidget: "LOOP (crazy glare)...it's LOOP...."

Tiffany: "Eh...ok."

So yeah, they raced, I officiated - starting the race by standing in the middle and throwing my scarf down to signify the beginning of this dramatic event...Ticktock ends up winning. He gets $20, and Fidget gets the second place prize: A can of Red Bull.

Now it's time for the beer shotgun race.

We acquired a few more tweakers by this point. Tweakers can smell cheap beer and dollar bills a hundred miles away.

Twitch, who, apparently, was Fidget's boyfriend, joined us behind the Safeway, as well as some random guy who seemed a little too anxious to be a part of the beer race. I don't think I caught his name.

Miles took part in this contest as well. He did quite well. I was proud.

The prize for the winner, which ended up being Twitch, was a gift bag with a 40oz of Old English and a bag of Safeway brand jerkey. See? Who says we didn't spoil these guys? Exploitation my eye.

Fidget sat that game out because, by this point, she was no longer speaking, and randomly glaring at nothing in particular. Angry voices had taken over her brain. Plus, she was all agitated and, well...fidgety. I realized that it was probably a really poor idea to feed her Red Bull. Woops.

NEXT UP: SWORD FIGHT!!!!

Ok they were two foam Nerf type jousting sticks. We weren't going to arm the tweakers with actual swords.

I was questioning the logic of arming them with anything, but after I went a few rounds with the unnamed tweaker, I decided that it wasn't the worst idea that we came up with all day. It was actually kind of fun kicking his ass.

Ok, you know what? I dont' remember who won the sword fight. Shockingly enough, this particular event went off well enough with no real incident.

Onwards to the park.

Yay, field trip! It was PINATA TIME!

We acquired a new bum named Dexter, who we found sleeping in the park. He seemed down with the Pinata game when we told him there was cash in there.

Which there was, as well as tampons, syringes, soap, deodorant and candy. Good times.

Ok by this point I'm realizing that the common knowledge which states that Animals and Children are the most unreliable to work with in show business....should also include tweakers. Animals, Children, and Tweakers. TWEAKERS ARE NO GOOD FOR TRYING TO GET SHIT DONE.

We're trying to film the introduction, and Ticktock keeps yapping gibberish through it.

Me: "Hey Mike, could you keep it down for a bit? We just need to get this one part filmed with no background talking."

Ticktock: "I DON'T LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO! I WON'T BE TOLD WHAT TO DO!"

Tiffany: "Mike come here for a minute, can you help me hold this?"

Ticktock: (mumble mumble) as he diligently goes over to see Mercedes.

Can I just say that at this point, I feel that we need to keep an eye on Tiffany? I'm totally picturing Ticktock kidnapping her and making her answer only to the name Mercedes, and when she mistakenly argues that her name is Tiffany, Ticktock snaps, makes her wear a skin suit, and throws her in a well while singing along to Goodbye Horses and mumbling "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard".

Yeah, so we finally get the Pinata strung up in the dog park while avoiding dog poo piles.

Did I mention that we were arming blindfolded tweakers with the jousting nerf sticks for this part? Yeah, I don't know what we were thinking either. Couldn't be much worse than the sword fight.

Or could it?

Dexter and Fidget (the angry voices had eased up a bit and she was ready to play again) were our contestants.

First we let Dexter take a few whacks at the pinata. I will admit that I was moving it around with the end of the rope that I had a hold on, but that's part of the game. Plus it's fun to see tweakers running around swinging at the air.

Then Fidget took a few whacks. I was nicer to her, though. Only moved it a little.

Then, in someone's infinite wisdom, we thought we'd let them both go at it.

So they're both swinging at the psychotic looking parrot pinata full of loot, and the next thing you know they're beating the shit out of each other.

I was worried for Dexter.

Well, finally the aim went back to the parrot, which eventually went down in flames, needles flying, candy spilling as we threw glittery confetti and cheered. YAAAAY!!!It was a magical moment.

Once the victory celebration was done, everyone gathered their booty, we packed up, and we headed back towards our 'base camp'.

For SOME reason - ok the reason was that we were promising shit to keep these guys around til we were done filming - Chantal had agreed to give Ticktock a ride across town so "he could meet someone" (dealer).

So the other tweakers - Fidget, Twitch, unnamed guy (we lost Dexter in the park after he scooped up his loot) - traipsed off into the sunset, and Ticktock followed us back to Jamba Juice for his ride.

And my favorite part of this was that Chantal had given Ticktock a key out of her pocket to use when opening the beer to shotgun. When we got back to Jamba Juice, he remembered that he had it and gave it back to Tiffany to give to Chantal.

It turned out to be Tiffany's house key.

Tiffany was NOT amused.

And, of course, Chantal didn't want to ride alone. Which meant that Miles, Tiffany and I were to get in the car with this assy smelling tweaker. Did I mention that he was darn right freaky at this point? Homeless tweakers get scarier as the day progresses, mumbling shit, eyes darting about...

So we're congregated front of the Jamba Juice, wrapping things up, and Ticktock is pacing back and forth muttering that he needs a phone. He glances at me, as I say, "Sorry man, phone's dead," and he goes "OK HOLD ON, I'LL BE BACK."

Next thing I know, Chantal and Tiffany are loading shit into Chantal's trunk. "Get into the car, we are not giving him a ride anywhere, fuck that," says Chantal

Finally. Common sense from one of us.

I have no problem with this, obviously. I jump into the car.

But as we're pulling out, I start to wonder if Ticktock has seen MY car which is still in that parking lot. I can't remember.

I DON'T THINK he saw it, but I'm not sure...and I don't want an angry tweaker going after my car in a meth withdrawal rage. I like my car and want it to be in the same shape I left it in.

But I also don't want to go back to that parking lot. Haha.

So I grab Miles (poor Miles), make him take off his stocking cap and overcoat. I throw my hair into a ponytail and button my sweater over my domokun face Tshirt, and throw on my sunglasses. We're as 'different looking' as we can muster, and I have Chantal drop us off across the street, where we proceed to sneak over to my car, ducking behind brush along the way. I felt very Mission Impossible.

"HOLY SHIT, THERE HE IS!! DUCK!!" I whisper frantically to Miles when I see a bright orange T-shirt over by Jamba Juice.

Ok false alarm. Not sure how I mistook a 3 year old for Ticktock. But the orange shirt scared me.

We finally get to my car, whip open the doors, jump in, and I speed away.

TO BE CONTINUED:

I’m naked - DON’T LOOK AT ME!

2007-09-04T15:49:00.000-07:00

I have little patience for idiots.

And today, the idiot in question is the women who dress overtly sexy….and THEN get all wound up when they get the attention that an outfit like that is designed to garner.

What the fuck? Seriously.

Any woman who dresses provocatively and then gets pissed when men are, oh I don't know...provoked to respond by gawking....is a big fat headgame playing bimbo.

Let's review:

pro·voc·a·tive [pruh-vok-uh-tiv] –adjective
1. tending or serving to provoke; inciting, stimulating, irritating, or vexing.

Cleavage is provocative. If you show off your cleavage, you are being provocative, inciting a response such as gawking and staring.

Tight sexy clothes that show off your body are provocative. If you show off your body, you are being provocative, inciting a response such as gawking and staring.

Vamping yourself up like a porn star is provocative. If you vamp yourself up like a porn star, you are being provocative, inciting a response such as gawking and staring.

If you don't want people to stare - don't be provocative.

I am sick to fucking death of women who leave the house in fuckin thigh highs, 'fuck me boots', and hoochie clothes that feign offense at the response they get walking down the street.

"Ugh! Gawd...can't I just walk down the street without feeling like a piece of meat?"

NO, BITCH, YA CAN'T - NOT WHEN YOU HAVE A FUCKING NEON SIGN SAYING, 'HEY LOOK AT ME, I AM A PIECE OF MEAT!' ON YOUR FUCKING HEAD!

Take your inconsistent feminism and shove it up your ass.

"Well not all women want to be objectified. A man who is able to look a woman in the eye while she's talking instead of having a conversation with her boobs is going to 'get in there' a lot faster than the guy who can't pull his eyes up from her chest".

I'm not arguing that, really.
I'm just saying if you wear a shirt with your tits hanging out and you're offended when someone looks, you're a fucking moron.

That is all.

Of course, I also think some women are setting expectations too high - some men are just incapable of putting what someone has to say ahead of 'omg boobs!'. Nature of the beast. It's like getting mad at a puppy for pissing on the floor.

But then again maybe...just maybe...what you have to say isn't all that interesting. I don't think it's fair for you to get mad at someone who's interest is waning in the air that's coming out of your face for trying to entertain himself.

I would be lying if I said I paid attention to every word out of someone's mouth when I was bored...and then distracted by 'yummy'.

"Oh...huh...what? Were you speaking? Sorry..."

Fucking sue me.

Sometimes it's because you're black...

2007-06-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's because you're black.

Sometimes it's because you're just a psychotic asshole.

I recall a conversation a few years ago where this total waste of a human accused me of not wanting to fuck him "because he was black".

I'm like, "Dude, you really have got to believe me when I say: With everything that sucks about you, being black is about the one thing you DO have going for you in my eyes."

But he still walked away thinking it had something to do with the fact that he was a black man (lol he obviously didn't know me very well).

Why is it that some people can't accept the fact that the fact that people don't want to be around them has zero to do with race and everything to do with the fact that they're a total douche nozzle?

CASE IN POINT:

Dr. McAsshole

Isaiah Washington, one of the stars of the hit TV show "Grey's Anatomy" was fired.

FINALLY!!! HELLO!!!

Last year, Washington made headlines all over by getting into a fight with Patrick Dempsey on the set of Greys, which included Washington shouting, "I'm not your little faggot like [T.R. Knight ]," referring to his fellow cast member. (Knight ended up revealing to PEOPLE magazine that he's gay, possibly prompted by public revelation of Washington's outburst.)

As a result, Washington has taken a lot of heat, and made his rounds apologizing for being a hateful prick.

He entered a residential treatment facility in an effort to quell the controversy surrounding his anti-gay remarks — and save his job.

"With the support of my family and friends, I have begun counseling. I regard this as a necessary step toward understanding why I did what I did and making sure it never happens again. I appreciate the fact that I have been given this opportunity and I remain committed to transforming my negative actions into positive results, personally and professionally," Washington had said.

Right.

Because this is the first time he's ever had issues with his co-workers that were totally out of hand.

Wait, no it's not.

In the year 2000, Washington was shooting the TV show "Soul Food" for Showtime in Toronto. Washington and an actress, who played his wife, were shooting a scene in which Isaiah was supposed to give the woman a superficial kiss. We're told to the horror of everyone, Washington grabbed the woman and planted a "forceful, aggressive kiss."

The actress became irate, which then infuriated Washington who began screaming at her. At that point the director stepped in to correct Washington, and the actor went off on him. Executive Producer Tracey Edmonds then took over and Washington went off on her.

In 1997 there was yet another incident on the set of the TV show "High Incident." Washington was a guest star on the show, but we're told the gig ended abruptly after the actor had a physical altercation with a crew member. We're told it was serious enough that police were called.

So yeah, finally, after the people at ABC couldn't / didn't want to deal with his shit anymore, they 'neglected to invite him back for another season" (READ: Canned his ass).

Is it because of anything Washington did wrong?

I mean he did admit wrong doing...I think.

Isaiah issued an apology saying, "I can neither defend nor explain my behavior. I can also no longer deny to myself that there are issues I obviously need to examine within my own soul, and I've asked for help."

No no.

Nope.

They canned him because he's AN INTIMIDATING BLACK MAN! RAWRRRR!!!

"Someone heard the booming voice of a black man and got really scared and that was the beginning of the end for me."

...THE FUCK?

Yeah, he says now that his unwillingness to act like a submissive black at work was part of the problem.

Says Washington:

"Well, it didn't help me on the set that I was a black man who wasn't a mush-mouth Negro walking around with his head in his hands all the time. I didn't speak like I'd just left the plantation and that can be a problem for people sometime."

Do go on!

"I had a person in human resources tell me after this thing played out that 'some people' were afraid of me around the studio. I asked her why, because I'm a 6-foot-1, black man with dark skin and who doesn't go around saying 'Yessah, massa sir' and 'No sir, massa' to everyone?"

Yeah. That's it. It has nothing to do with the fact that you're an angry asshole with a history of flipping out on your coworkers.

It's because you're black. OF COURSE. That has GOT to be it! What else could it be???

"My mistake was thinking black people get second chances. I was wrong on all fronts," he said.

Do you hear a tiny black violin playing in the distance?

Because I sure do!

Accountability for one's own actions is cool.

Being a douche knows no color.

Fail Bosses

2007-06-12T11:42:00.000-07:00

I've already discussed with some of you how my current boss at my current day job is quite the 'fail boss'. He's really a nice guy, and I've actually really enjoyed working for him, but he's completely ineffective as a manager and it's annoying.

C'est la vie, I'm moving on, interviewing, and all that jazz.

But honestly, despite the fact that I'm compensated poorly and being jerked around, he's far from one of my worst bosses. I'll actually miss the little fucker - the most laid back Japanese man I've ever met, long hair in a pony tail and a sweet sweet Harley - when I leave.

My friend, Lora, was discussing how the manager of the office she's in has left, and she's going to get to sit in on the interview to help 'pick her new boss' since she will have to work so closely with him or her.

I think that's fucking awesome.

I've had 2 'new bosses' in the past that were brought on with no warning to me - SURPRISE! And they were horrible. Fucking horrible. And their presence was instrumental in me wanting to get the fuck out of a place where I had previously quite content.

TOP TWO WORST BOSSES HALL OF FAME:

First there was the guy, we'll call him Sam (because that's his name) that my old company brought on as an operations manager after meeting him at a basketball game and chatting over many beers. Yeah, that's a great judgment call...

After being employed (but never anywhere to be found when you needed to find him) for a few weeks, Sam decided to switch me from salary to hourly because, in his pee brain, he thought I wasn't working my 40 hours ( I wasn't, I was working like 50), and then he freaked out when I started getting 6-12 hours of overtime pay on my check

This is the same guy who sat at my desk (in my CHAIR...fucker) and waited for me with an angry expression on his face to come in "late" according to the circa 1982 clock radio I had at my desk (so I could listen to music) that would say 8:04 or so when I'd arrive, but the TIMECLOCK would say 7:56...

I told him, no I WASN'T late, and what did he run time reports off of, my old clock radio or the fucking time clock?? Then he flipped out and asked me if I was trying to work some kind of angle.

Right.

When I'd argue with points he'd make in our little 'sit downs' with...oh, I don't know...LOGIC, he would get mad because "I had an answer for everything."

And this was the same guy who couldn't keep his lies straight.

Sometimes his drunken rhetoric (the group often went out for beers after work) was "...I mean take a look at me. I'm a good ol' boy from Roseburg. I don't even have a college degree, and no one thought I'd make anything of myself, but blah blah and blah blah blah..."

Other times it was "...I mean take a look at me, good ol' boy from Roseburg - I GOT a college degree when no one thought I would and blah blah blaahhhh..."

Some days he was a former golf pro. Other days he was a war hero.

From what I hear, he eventually got fired for embezzling and generally being worthless. After I left of course.

THEN there was the piece of shit that got hired at the lumber brokerage I went to next after my wonderful boss, John, left the company for Boise Cascade in Idaho. He had offered to take me with him, but hi, I'm not moving to Idaho.

This guy, another John....the best way I can describe him is a slug with glasses. I hated him. Hated. He's actually harder to explain as to why I hated this guy than the last (other than the fact that he was semi-retired and took the job only for money, not to actually do work).

He was nauseating and horrible. Just...I think it was one of those things where you meet someone and, you know the good chemistry that makes you inexplicably want to jump someone's bones? This was like total complete opposite of that. It didn't help that all he would do, other than try to build his section of the lumber business (which directly affected my paycheck) was yap about how this person looked in a skirt and how he'd totally fuck her, and how this one looked in a skirt and...yeah. Normally not a big deal to me, but this guy was such a pigfucker.

Other than THAT, my biggest peeve with him is that he refused to learn the computer system we had and wanted me to double record all inventory and sales - in a spiral notebook.

So he could understand it.

I refused.

He tried to have me fired for refusing to put every single order we had done in the last year and all of the inventory from all of our warehouses all over the country in pencil in a spiral notebook.

Needless to say, I wasn't fired for that.

I did quit, though, a few months later.

Actually, I waited til the BIG boss was 3 martinis into the day (he looooved his lunch hour) and convinced him he should lay me off so I could get unemployment while I searched for a new job.

I understand that Sluggo John was gone a few months after me as well.

I've had lame bosses since: the micromanagers, the cryers (those ones suck, I've had 2 of those), the scatterbrained narcissist with pictures of herself all over her office.

But they do not compare to the hall of famers. LOL

Random Man...

2007-05-22T18:00:00.000-07:00

Since first posting those Chat Logs on my site years ago, I get the occasional wannabe in my instant message box. And I can always tell it's someone 'fishing' for a spot on my Instant Message Hall of Fame page. There's something just a little to...planned about their messages. It's annoying.

Normally, I just don't respond, but I was bored, eating my lunch, and his name made me giggle for some reason.

So here you go, Random Man...you probably won't end up on my website, but I'll give you a little recognition here, you fucking tard. At least you entertained me and had what could pass as a vocabulary...almost.

randomman816: hi

randomman816: may i ask u something

Vortex Betty: sure, randomman.

Vortex Betty: lol

randomman816: suppose a guy dared u to give him a 20 second titty twister what would you do

Vortex Betty: hmm.

Vortex Betty: If there were no physical repercussions towards me, sure. Why not.

randomman816: no repercussions

randomman816: what would u say ok mr titty twister man lift up your shirt

Vortex Betty: Well, it's not necessary that they lift up their shirt, but I suppose that's an option, too.

Vortex Betty: How is daring someone to give you a titty twister even a dare?

Vortex Betty: If there's no risk of retaliation...there's no risk. Why dare?

randomman816: your rite i guess its more like a request

Vortex Betty: Where'd you come from, randomman?

randomman816: but youd still do it

randomman816: im in connecticut if thats what youre asking

randomman816: ok 1 titty or both lol

Vortex Betty: You may as well be asking me if I'd drink a glass of water if someone dared me to.

Vortex Betty: And no, that's not what I was asking, more like what led you to my Instant Message window and why. But Conneticut will do. lol

randomman816: ok what if he sweetened the deal and said theres $50 in it for you

Vortex Betty: Ok so you're sweetening a 'deal' of something that is no big deal to me in the first place by adding money to the mix? Seriously...this is a bit yawnsville.

randomman816: oh what lead to your "window" as you put it..i liked what i read on your profile so i figured what hell id ask the question..does it bother you that i asked?

Vortex Betty: Nope.

Vortex Betty: Just sitting here eating my sashimi salad wondering what prompted such exciting questions.

Vortex Betty: And by exciting I mean I don't think you put enough thought into them.

randomman816: ok well what would make this "dare/request" less yawnsville for you

Vortex Betty: I don't know, babycakes, this is your self-introduction.

randomman816: i like your style and attidue

randomman816: oops thats attitude

Vortex Betty: Super...

randomman816: so tell me on a 1 to 10 scale how hard would u do this titty twister?

Vortex Betty: I've lost interest in the titty twister conversation.

randomman816: ok may i ask yet another random question

Vortex Betty: you just did...

randomman816: cute very funny

randomman816: just being polite is all

randomman816: suppose that you are in a bath room stall smoking a cigarette suddenly a penis comes through the hole and the voice on the other side says 'surprise me" what would u do?

Vortex Betty: I'd put the cigarette out on his penis. But this scenario is unlikely because I don't smoke.

Vortex Betty: That question is slightly more amusing.

randomman816: assuming that you did smoke..might you give some sort of warning first

Vortex Betty: Wait, back up.

Vortex Betty: Comes through what hole?

randomman816: there is a hole in the wall of the stall that you are in

Vortex Betty: Am I in a sex shop with a glory hole? What bathroom has a fucking hole in the wall?

randomman816: for argument sake there just is..youd really use that cigarette on his unsuspecting penis?

Vortex Betty: I would hardly call his penis unsuspecting if it had the audacity to poke itself through a random hole. You take risks with your genitalia, and you have to know something bad might happen.

randomman816: would you give any warning or anything

Vortex Betty: And is your inability to use the correct version of your/you're and random misspellings and grammatical errors just bait? Or are you really a functional illiterate?

Vortex Betty: Ok see above...I don't need to give warning.

Vortex Betty: You can't expect the person on the other side of a 'hole in a wall' that you stuck your pitiful Johnson through to be courteous enough to give a warning as to what they might do.

randomman816: I'm sorry for any typos I will work on that

randomman816: Don't you think putiing the cigarette out on his penis is just a little harsh

Vortex Betty: Don't you think that putting a penis through a hole, oblivious to what might be on the other side, is a little bit fucking retarded?

randomman816: true..so what ever comes his way he deserves

randomman816: So let me get this rite..you'd simply,calmly, and innocently reach out and burn his penis?

Vortex Betty: Sure.

Vortex Betty: What, are you doing some kind of research paper?

randomman816: no not at all..would you be more angry or more scared?

Vortex Betty: Neither.

Vortex Betty: There isn't anything scary about a penis.

Vortex Betty: And I'm not sure what I'd have to be angry about, other than I was stupid enough to use a bathroom with a hole in it and that I had taken up smoking like some kind of brainless moron.

Vortex Betty: Revenge? lol

Vortex Betty: More of a reflex.

randomman816: or a matter of convience that you happened to have a lit cigarette at that exact moment

Vortex Betty: I would say 'and' not 'or'.

randomman816: You would only 'graze" him with the cigarette? correct? nothing too serious

Vortex Betty: I would guess that once someone had a lit cigarette applied to their little wanker that they would pull back immediately, not giving me a chance to do anything BUT graze it.

randomman816: That's assuming you didn't reach out to grab said penis and hold it as you burned it

Vortex Betty: Nah, I don't know where the fleshy little intruder has been, I'm not likely to touch it.

randomman816: So the cigarette to penis contact would last only as long as he left it there

Vortex Betty: If that's a question, it's pretty much a stupid question.

randomman816: With respect to time...how long would you allow said penis to hang there before it dawned on you that you had this lit cigarette

Vortex Betty: Approximately 2 seconds.
Vortex Betty: How old are you, randomman?

Vortex Betty: Is 816 your birthday? Or just a lucky number.

randomman816: I am 38..and yes 816 is my birthday..why do you ask?

Vortex Betty: Curiosity. I got bored with your line of questioning (again) and decided to change the subject.

randomman816: let me ask you this..his statement of "surprise me" how much if any of an impact would that have on you useing the cigarette

Vortex Betty: Moderate.

randomman816: Ah but you know that is NOT the surprise he was looking for

Vortex Betty: I think that falls under the category of "Things that are not my problem."

randomman816: And during these 2 seconds of "lagg" time before you actually burned him..you'd be doing what?

Vortex Betty: Probably urinating.

randomman816: You have a little sarcastic side that seems to be poking through

[color="DarkRed"]Vortex Betty: ...

randomman816: What might you say after the burn..something like "aaww did that hurt" staying in the sarcastic mode

Vortex Betty: I can't begin to say. I don't script my reactions to idiocy.

randomman816: Would a smile come across your face when you heard him scream out in pain

Vortex Betty: Are you typing this one handed?

randomman816: two hunt and peck method to be exact

Vortex Betty: fantastic.

randomman816: lets assume for a second he actually puts his penis back through the hole a second time saying look at the mark you left

Vortex Betty: I'd assume he was too stupid to breathe, let alone be let out of the cage.

randomman816: actually no fantacy here i really did this once

Vortex Betty: Oh, I see, you're even more brilliant thanI had originally concluded.

randomman816: is that sarcasim bleeding through again?

randomman816: would you be interested in knowing what happened?

Vortex Betty: If you'd like to tell me, sure.

Vortex Betty: I've become more patient in my old age.

Vortex Betty: I'm going to go afk during storytime, though.

randomman816: afk?

Vortex Betty: look it up.

randomman816: well when i put ol 1 eye through the hole she freakin burned me

randomman816: but this was no graze either she used my penis as if it where a freakin ash tray

randomman816: are we still there?

Vortex Betty: No, 'we' were afk.

Vortex Betty: So why did you start out with the titty twister inquiry if you really wanted to discuss this tragic penis burning episode?

randomman816: consider the tutty twister question an ice breaker

randomman816: so you do think i got what i deserved?

Vortex Betty: I think anyone moronic enough to stick their penis into a hole of unknown is begging for something like that to happen, so yes.

randomman816: so i get no sympathy from you

randomman816: she actually tricked me in this little game that i played

Vortex Betty: bummer.

randomman816: first she began to stroke my penis then grabbed it rather firmly and proceeded to burn it

Vortex Betty: And what bathroom would this ever happen in?

randomman816: it was a night club/bar

Vortex Betty: super

Vortex Betty: Ok well I'm bored and have to pee.

randomman816: you agree with what she did with respect to the tricking aspect too

Vortex Betty: And our bathrooms don't have holes in them here, so I'm afraid I won't be back with any interesting stories.

Vortex Betty: I don't agree or disagree, I don't care.

Vortex Betty: Will talk to you later, I'm sure...

randomman816: ok enjoy your pee break.

randomman816: Hello?

Vortex Betty: I have to say, there's a certain level of pathetic that goes along with chatting someone up that you don't know (or did you run across me on a message board or Myspace?) just so you can share a story about having your penis burned. It's really a sad story.

randomman816: sorry that you feel that way

Vortex Betty: It's not 'how I feel' it's 'how it is'. Do you disagree?

Vortex Betty: And you tracked me down via what medium?

randomman816: yahoo

Vortex Betty: Alright then.

randomman816: so guess this conversation is over huh

Vortex Betty: Pretty much. From what I've seen, Vortexbetty isn't searchable via member directory on Yahoo, but if that's your story, and you're stickin to it...groovy.
Vortex Betty: Have a good one.

randomman816: i never said i searched under "vortexbetty" you assuminjg that i did

Vortex Betty: No, I 'assumed' that you saw this screenname on a site other than Yahoo.

randomman816: i see you like country music too

randomman816: oh well someone of your intelegance should know better than to assume

Vortex Betty: Well, when you're given no information to work with, you are left with theories and assumptions, Gomer.

Vortex Betty: Alright, well I really have to get back to it. It's been a pleasure or something. Tata.

randomman816: you remind me a lot of my ex- girl friend Karen

...

Imus

2007-04-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

Ok so what do we think of Imus’s remarks about the Rutger’s women’s basketball team.

If you haven’t read, here is one of the first articles:

During some commentary with producer Bernard McGuirk:

"That's some rough girls from Rutgers," Imus said. "Man, they got tattoos ..."

"Some hardcore hos," McGuirk said.

"That's some nappy-headed hos there, I'm going to tell you that," Imus said.

Alright, that was said. It’s out there.

And he’s apologized, saying he said a bad thing, and that he is embarrassed by the words that came from his mouth.

He went on Sharpton’s show and he said there was no excuse for his remark and "I wish I hadn't said it. I'm sorry I said it."

He’s been suspended from the air for 2 weeks by CBS.

But Sharpton wants blood.

Jesse Jackson wants blood.

The leader of the New Jersey chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People wants blood.

An apology won’t do, suspension won’t due, he must be fired immediately.

What do you think?

Does he deserve to be canned for this remark? Is a suspension enough?

Does the fact that he called these girls “nappy headed hos” make him a deplorable racist that must be stopped?

Is it the word "nappy" that makes it over the top? Or is it "hos". Is it the 2 words used in conjunction?

Another of the complaints is that it was a misogynist comment.

Well, no shit. Had anyone who’s complaining now heard his show before this incident? This isn’t new.

Howard Kurtz, media critic for The Washington Post and host of CNN's "Reliable Sources," said Imus is known for his comedy, but "his comedy too often strays into the offensive."

Kurtz, whom Imus once called a "boner-nosed, beanie-wearing Jew boy," said Imus should be held accountable for his remarks, "but there is also a good side to Don Imus, and I don't think that should be completely obliterated in all of this chest thumping."

Alright, and here is what’s going on today:

The team captain spoke out:
"We just hope to come to some type of understanding of what the remarks really entailed, his reasons why they were said," Essence Carson said at a news conference. "And we'd just like to express our great hurt, the sadness that he has brought to us."

Alright then…

From the coach:
"Before you are valedictorians of their class, future doctors, musical prodigies, and yes, even Girl Scouts," she said. "They are young ladies of class, distinction, they are articulate, they are brilliant, they are gifted. They are God's representatives in every sense of the word."

Stringer described the underdog team's hard work to bounce back from defeats early in the season.

"Ultimately, they ended up playing for the national championship," she said. "No one believed in them but them."

…that’s great. I’m very proud of you guys.

I’m not sure how Imus’s remark changes this, though.

"I mean, who says 'hos' publicly?" she asked. "What is that? That is probably one of the most derogatory things any woman -- black, brown, yellow -- could even ever experience."

Oh, ok. It's the word hos that caused you great sadness. Thank you for clearing it up.

Am I just desensitized? Or is this a mild overreaction.

Personally, I think Imus is a dick. I mean, just a total dick. He’s a pompous, self absorbed, misogynistic blow hard.

I’m not sure I’m ready to see his head on a stick just yet, though.

I guess I'm just not sure where the line should be in light of all the Mel Gibson & Kramer hoopla as of late.

Mel's an anti-semitic douche who got drunk and broke his censor switch.

Kramer's a bad comic who flipped out, had a melt down on stage when he couldn't hack the pressure, and let his true colors show.

I already said what I thought of Imus.

What has Howard Stern said on HIS show - probably 'worse'.

Where's the line? Should there be one? Probably...but where?

And how severe should the punishment be for 'speaking'?

When do we realize that it's a few words out of some asshole's mouth...

consider the source...

put on our big girl panties...

and get on with our day?

Do you think Imus's remark falls into the 'consider the source' category?

Or if we allow him to stay on the radio, do we condone him thoughts, therefore fertilizing a breeding ground for hate and bigotry?

Thoughts, please.

Cause and Effect

2007-03-19T00:52:00.000-07:00

Children can be terribly cruel.

I am not going to go so far as to say I never did or said anything ill towards another child while growing up. We all have said things we regret. Or that we should regret and don't.

But I generally liked everyone. Until they made it clear they didn't like me.

Then I still tried to like them, hoping that maybe they'd snap out of whatever their issue was.

Sometimes that worked, sometimes it didn't. Some people are just prone to being nasty, and while I am stubborn, I am not a miracle worker.

But I think that I always, to a point, have had the attitude of 'everyone is cool until they prove otherwise'.

I used to stand there as a little girl with the invisible 'cartoon question mark' over my head when another kid in my neighborhood was nasty to me - when I was PRETTY DARN SURE I had either never seen that kid before in my life, or most definitely hadn't done anything mean to them first. Shoot, I had never spoken to them before that day, but there was this amazing mystery animosity, and I was thoroughly baffled by it.

I'm not pretending to be an angel, mind you.

One time, I kicked my boyfriend, David Kallio, in the balls. To this day, I don't know why. We were 7 or 8 at the time.

I kicked him in the balls, and he dropped to the ground - like boys do when someone kicks them in the balls.

When he could speak, he looked at me from the ground with these huge watery blue eyes, and he asked me, "Why did you do that??"

I had no reasonable explanation.

I still feel bad, to this day, for kicking David Kallio in the balls.

Sorry, David. Wherever you are.

Some kids are just shitty. That's a fact of life, and I've tried to shield my own children from that to a point while sharing the wisdom that, "Sometimes it doesn't matter what you say or do, some people are just not going to like you, and you can't lose sleep over it."

I remember some of the venom I saw spewed out from other children - hateful words for no particular reason other than just to be mean. Followed by laughter when their taunts caused pain and tears. Followed by more venom. Cause and effect.

Is it in our basic general make-up to be sadistic? Is it environmental or genetic? Are we primarily evil creatures but we're taught otherwise?

Or are we born decent and good and are trained to be the opposite?

What's interesting is most of the children who were cruel to others as children grew up to be pretty decent folk.

I ran into a girl who had picked on me back in junior high and high school, mostly because she thought (with good reason) that I was weird, in the restroom of a nightclub in Portland, Oregon - hours away from where we grew up, and lifetimes away from who we were as children.

I saw her in a bathroom, recognized her - though I have to say she carried herself more....relaxed? I think that's the right word. She looked a lot more at peace than she had when she was shoving me me around in P.E. class. And while she looked pretty much the same, there was a difference in the vibe she put off. She seemed approachable as she dried her hands next to the sink.

"Hey, I know you," I said with a laugh. "And if I remember right, you weren't very nice to me," I said with a smile, clearly just poking fun, as there had been a good decade of space between us at that point.

Her face paled. She looked mortified.

"Lisa...Lisa Myers, right? Oh..my god, I remember you. I am SOOO sorry. So sorry. Oh my god...wow. I am really sorry."

I immediately felt terrible. Jesus fuck, we were in a dance club for godssakes, and here she was nearly in tears.

I told her that I hardly carried a grudge, and that it was so totally ok.

Hell, the girl hadn't killed my dog, she was just generally unpleasant, pushed me around a few times, and threatened to kick my ass, one time, because the tone of my voice pissed her off. Her words, not mine.

"NO, no it's not okay. I wasn't very nice to you - to anyone, really - and if I ever made you feel bad, I just want you to know that I was very unhappy back then. Astoria was NOT a good place for me."

Nothing about that statement surprised me, and really explained a lot. She is now an openly out lesbian, and the place we grew up was less than tolerant - to put it very mildly. Getting the hell out of there had done wonders for her psyche, I believe, as it had done for a few other formerly closeted friends of mine.

We chatted for a bit, trying not to block the way to the toilet, and before she left, she gave me a big hug and apologized again.

For the rest of the night, I felt bad for initiating a conversation that brought this woman back to a time where she was pretty miserable.

And you know, since growing up, and prior to that bathroom encounter with a more relaxed former bully, I've taken into consideration that everyone behaves a certain way for a reason. Children are cruel because they see cruelty at home, and by being cruel to other children, maybe they can take some kind of control of their little lives. It sucks, but I truly believe in 'cause and effect' when it comes to that.

I've run into some genuinely unpleasant people in my adulthood, too.

Shocking, I know, but, kids - there are some adults that just aren't very nice people.

I've been accused of being not very nice at times.

Stop laughing.

But I'm talking about cruel for the sake of being cruel - not on a pathological, criminally psychotic level, mind you. Serial killers and baby filleters are in a whole different category.

Wait, did I just imply that I fillet babies?

Ok, anyway...

I'm speaking of people that even though you haven't done a goddamn thing to them, they have taken it upon themselves to say vile things, to you, about you - completely unwarranted. Attacks on your character that aren't even accurate.

Goddamn it, if you're going to try to insult me, please - at least be good at it. Verbal attacks that have a shred of truth to them impress me. At least the cranky fucker has done their homework. There is plenty to hate about me - like I've said before, I'm unlikeable on my own merit. Making shit up is a waste of time. How about the tone of my voice? That's an oldie but a goody. Use that one.

Oh, and could you run a spell and grammar check if you're going to put it into print? There's little more frustrating to me to be told 'your a uneducated fat lair'. The irony alone makes my teeth ache. I mean beyond the obvious...wait, no, there's nothing I can add to that to make it better than it already is.

And really - calling me fat?

Ouch.

I know I'm a chubby gal. Broad in the arse even.

Cheeseburgers and dark beer are tasty. Sue me. It says little of my character.

About a year ago, I had a 55 year old woman who touts herself as a Peacful Hippy - signing all of her emails with "Peace and Love" - tell me that I was not chubby, but that I was a fat slob, yucky to look at, and that I "should go make another sandwich" - this was after I questioned her on some 'questionable business practices' that were affecting me and a few others.

Yes, really.

That was her response. The aging hippychick who promotes peace and love called me a 'fat lair' (I'm pretty sure she meant liar, but I can't be certain) and told me to go make another sandwich.

At 55 years of age, this is what she had to hurl at me.

Welcome back to grade school!

I told her I felt sorry for her and that if she ever wanted to talk, I would lend an ear.

She responded by blocking my email address.

I think she needs a hug.

And the only thing that keeps me sane when trying to figure people who have that kind of personality out is simply: There must be some logical reason to explain their behavior. They must be extremely unhappy with themselves, treated poorly at home, I remind them of someone who was unkind...SOMETHING. Drugs? An alien presence? DEMONIC POSSESSION, yes, that's a theory.

Because otherwise, they wouldn't be like that.

Would they?

Of course I've also met the parents of some shitty kids - who developed into pretty shitty adults - and, barring severe mental illness, I just don't see what went wrong. Maybe there was secret horror that went on behind closed doors that would never be obvious to an outsider. Or, as I mentioned, possible demonic possession.

Nurture vs. Nature - which is the stronger opponent I wonder?

Maybe some of us are just born shitty.

I'm probably not qualified to do anything beyond continue to speculate and not be satisfied with the answer.

I'm going to go kick a puppy now.

And blame it on my childhood.

Alimony = Bullshit

2007-03-01T15:10:00.000-08:00

I have a couple friends now in the process of getting divorces. Lucky them.

Both are men who are leaving marriages that ended up being NOT what they bargained for (i.e. wife is a cheating whore and/or wife is a raging psycho).

Guy 1 found out his wife had been cheating on him since...well...ALWAYS. Caught her red handed. Guy 1 initiated the divorce.

Guy 2 has been married for a few years now (not sure exactly how long) and his wife, while always unstable, flipped out recently and decided that she wanted a divorce. She initiated the process. He tried to work it out, they went to counseling...but she was adamant. She's waffled (fucked with his head) a few times, only to go, no no...a divorce is what I want.

Both women are far from helpless. They both work, they both make decent money - not as much as their respective husbands, but still...more than enough to live on and be just fucking fine.

BUT BOTH OF THE SOON TO BE EX-WIVES ARE ASKING FOR ALIMONY.

And both are going to fucking GET alimony.

Why????

I think alimony is one of the most antiquated and INSULTING things out there.

Why in blue hell should your spouse support you after you split? Especially a.) if the split was a result of you being a lying whore or b.) you just decide you want out?

I can think of a handful of instances where I find alimony acceptable:

1.) When the spouse seeking alimony is a stay at home parent.

2.) When the spouse seeking alimony put his/her life on hold to put the other spouse through school and hasn't gotten 'their turn' yet.

3.) When the spouse seeking alimony was completely faultless and the person they're asking support from SEVERELY fucked up (i.e. lying cheating whore, used you as a punching bag and/or went apeshit psycho, killed your dog with a steak knife, went on some kind of weird crime spree).

4.) When the spouse seeking alimony is the victim of their husband/wife having some kind of bizarre midlife crisis and ends up ditching their spouse for the poolboy/secretary. But that one's sketchy for me because he/she might be leaving because the spouse is a sexless lump and they're sick of it. That one's 'iffy'.

5.) When the spouse seeking alimony cannot physically take care of themselves (unless the little vegetable was banging the physical therapist, then fuck him/her).

But when I hear of perfectly capable women (or men...but it's usually women) asking for spousal support from their soon to be ex...ESPECIALLY when they're the one that fucked up...I want to start beating heads with a baseball bat.

YOU'RE NOT CRIPPLED. YOU HAVE A JOB. TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN GODDAMN SELF, YOU MONEY GRUBBING DOUCHE!

Am I alone here?

You raise your hypocrite...

2007-02-28T14:59:00.000-08:00

You raise your hypocrite, I'll raise mine...not to be one.

My son is now thirteen. He's a pretty damn good kid, and he seems to have a pretty open mind about most things.

He goes to a multicultural school, doesn't seem to 'see color' in others, and doesn't give a flying rat's ass if you're gay, straight, bi, transexual, or undecided.

He's never been one to give TOO much concern to what other people think of him, though sometimes he gets fed up with 'assumptions', the biggest one lately is that he's gay - I'm pretty sure he's not, though I wouldn't give a flying rat's ass if he was, and he knows that. And quite frankly, he doesn't freak out over that label any more than he does when people label him "emo" or "goth" or some other 'label' he doesn't really think he fits, and is often irritated about some of his peers' ignorant need to 'classify' someone who's different. So he's not losing sleep over it.

But people make that assumption at his school sometimes since he hangs around a gaggle of 8th grade girls (personally, I think he's a fucking genius. ROFL) as well as the fact that he dresses a little 'out there' sometimes. That's just young man.

Anyway, a few weeks back, he was in the car with some of his guy friends, and they were clowning around, and young man said something to the effect of, "Oh yes...I am such a homosexuallllll" in a sing songy voice.

The mother who was driving, flipped her lid:

"Biblemom": Young man, that's not even funny.

My son:: What do you mean?

Biblemom: Don't even joke about being gay.

My son: What's the problem exactly?

Biblemom: Homosexuality is a sin and it goes against His word.

My son: I don't believe that it's a sin though.

Biblemom: Yes it is a sin, and it's not something you should be joking about. The lord does not tolerate sinners, and homosexuals are sinners. Why do you think they're all dying of AIDS?

My son: Um...my step-mom's sister is a lesbian, and she's not dead.

Biblemom: Not yet she isn't.....just wait.

...yeah.

So he comes home and tells me this. I flip the fuck out briefly, but he tells me that he handled the situation. As she went on to explain 'the way things were' to him, he told her that they had a difference in opinion, and that's not what he believed.

Fast forward a week or so.

My son is on Myspace, and forwards a bulletin he received with an "I support" message, which had some type of rainbow flag logo on it, and was afixed to an "Anti-Hate" message.

He gets this reply from "Biblemom":

"Young man...didnt we have this little talk already. I have friends that are gay too. But, I dont support their life style. We are Christians, which means that we believe what God has to say, and God says that living that way is a sin. Do me a favor, I heard that you are a Honor Roll student, which means that you are really smart. So, ask my daughter if you can read her bible. Start in the book of Genesis. It starts out saying that in the beginning God created the Heaven and the earth...then after a few chapters it goes on to say that God made one man and one woman. Notice that it doesnt say that God made 2 men or God made 2 women. Its one man 1 woman. And there are other parts in the Bible where God specifically says that being with the same sex is a sin!

Let me ask you a question young man...Do believe in God? If you do, then you should also believe that everything his word (the Bible) says is true. All of it.

I think your a sweet boy, just a little confused about life is all.

Take Care!

Biblemom"

So you read it here, people.

You are not to wear clothing of mixed fibers, you fashion heathens.

You can not eat shell fish. AT ALL. Put down the lobster, SINNER!

"I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; She must be silent." Ok, so your 2nd grade teacher is going to hell. Sorry man, I know she was nice. But she's gonna burn.

It's ok to beat the holy ever living shit out of your disobedient child? That's a-ok. It's right there in black and white.

If you ever banged your girlfriend during her period...um...buddy, God is maaaad at you.

"Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear..." Yeah, that's right. Slavery's acceptable. The bible says so. Yep.

Oh yeah, and genocide? That's fine. IT IS, TOO!

Incest is fine. Hi, have you read the first freaking book of the bible? Get back there and read it again. Pretty sure the world's population started with one man and one woman - pretty sure somone was gonna be banging a family member or two to get things rolling.

"Abraham replied, 'I said to myself, 'There is surely no fear of God in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife. Besides, she really is my sister, the daughter of my father though not of my mother; and she became my wife." SHIT there it is again!

Gentlemen...you didn't...no, say it isn't so....YOU DIDN'T SHAVE THE HAIR FROM YOUR FACE, DID YOU???

"I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God." Yup, that's right fancy pants. You get all dressed up for church? YOU ARE A GODLESS SINNER!

Because everything said in "His word" is true, people.

All...of...it.

Of course you're probably asking me now, "Lisa, did you tear the woman a new one??"

Nope...not yet.

My son once again replied in a very dignified and mature way that she may have her opinion, but he has his own - that doesn't make him wrong or her right, and he would like to discontinue having this conversation.

He's a pretty smart kid, and he's not easily swayed by 'peer pressure', adult or otherwise. If these conversations were making him doubt his stand on anything from sexuality to faith, I would step in.

One more reply from her though...

Fucking douche.

Dress code my ass

2007-02-20T21:47:00.000-08:00

So I'm at work the other day.

My boss comes up to me...and I'm thinking...shit, she's had someone in I.T . monitor how much time I spend on the internet.

Well, good, maybe they'll fire me.

"Lisa...um...we're going to have a visitor in the office tomorrow from New York City"

"Is it Kramer?"

"Excuse me?"

"Nevermind"

So she proceeds to tell me that her new boss that she's never met is coming to town tomorrow, so if we could all dress

"um...how should I say this...a little more appropriately...more...professionally...like (makes squinty face and waves her right

hand over her chest) maybe...um...cover up a little bit?"

Ok...now let me start by saying that I do not, in fact, go to work topless like that last statement may have implied. But I do wear

V-neck tops, and, well I'm terribly sorry, I do have breasts. Not small ones. I WILL look different in the same top as Mary Jane

A-Cup. That's life. I won't wear turtlenecks. They stifle me.

Then she has the nerve to tell me to wear 'actual shoes' to work. Because apparently, when you have broken bones in your toes,

it's still inappropriate to not wear shoes. Ok...fine. I can dig that. Of course my first reaction is to wear my patent leather hooker

boots and then claim she wasn't specific when she said 'closed toe footwear', but there's that whole broken toe issue, and, well...I

decided against it.

So..that being said, I come to work today wearing the most appropriate thing that covers the most of my breast flesh and has my

evil evil, while freshly pedicured, but EVIL, toes hidden safely away from view of our visitor. Nevermind the fact that my office is

delightfully away from everyone else in the office, and I never - ever - deal with the public. Ever.

Visitor walks in.

I have renamed her The Pink Nightmare.

She's approximately a 34 years older than Moses, and she's wearing a "peeps pink" pantsuit. Head to toe Pepto. And pink shoes.

And her hair is white, yet..somehow...pinkish. Her breasts were (barely) held up by her waistband, it appeared, and when I had

to look directly at Pink Nightmare, one of her nipples was looking back at me through her blouse. I'm not sure what was going

on there. I wont even go into the poodle purse she carried.

I hope the expression on my face didn't reveal my true horror at the whole thing. Fortunately, I didn't make direct eye contact,

and I was able to run back to my hermit cave and...well...post this.

That being said, what I'm trying to say here...what I am having an issue with...my PROBLEM as it were...is this.

WHO THE HELL DECIDES WHAT'S APPROPRIATE FOR THE WORKPLACE? The things some people say are appropriate for the

office, while others are not are incredible to me.

Another example:

Last 'office bitch position' I held put me in a situation where I had to chose between my MICROSCOPIC nose piercing and my

job. Well, I was about to tell them to piss off, because, on principle I wasn't gonna take the damn thing out, but then I did

something stupid with my paintball mask, the piercing got mad, and I had to take it out for a 'breather' anyway. Fuck it. I caved

to the man. I have rent to pay.

But I could show up to work - dressed to the NINES...and still be inappropriate with the tiny glitter on my left nostril. While Keiko

in accounting can come rolling in, wearing pastel leggings - excuse me...THREADBARE pastel leggings (so transparent you can

see her Tweetie Bird panties), a stained blouse that DOESN'T QUITE HANG LOW ENOUGH to go with said leggings, a giant

plastic butterfly languishing in her hair, and Tammy Faye's cosmetic job - and be JUST FIIIINE under the boundaries of the

'office dresscode', while bending over repeatedly at the waist to file things in the bottom drawer next to me.

I've maintained that if they don't like me because of something I wear or a microscopic nose stud, they better not hire me - as

my appearance is probably one of the LEAST offensive parts about me, and they will grow to hate me quickly on my own merit.

SEXY BITCH! One big sexy bitch.

2007-02-12T21:42:00.000-08:00

You know how a lot of women have distorted views of theirselves? They're skinny but they think they're actually too fat? Or they're gorgeous, but they think they've got a huge schnoz or just an ugly face in general?

That's pretty typical, right? A lot of women have a shitty self image for no good fucking reason, thanks to the shallowness of others and the fucking media trying to convince us that we are supposed to be able to count our ribs by strumming our fingers down them like a guitar.

Then there are those of us that are TOTALLY FUCKING OPPOSITE OF THAT!

I am a chubby girl. You could go so far as to say A FAT girl. I'm over 200lbs, and I shop at Lane Bryant.

But goddamn it, I'm hot for a fat chick!!!

It's funny, I hear the, "Oh, you're not fat!!" from people (mostly my wonderful boyfriend - love is blind you know), and that's great, but hi...I wear a fat fat size and my tummy looks like I may be harboring a baby kangaroo in there. I have NO delusions as to what I look like.

Or do I?

I will leave the house thinking, goddamn...I look damn good tonight! Sexy even!

Then later I will, for example, catch the replay of a tape made of my show and I am ALWAYS STUNNED. Always. Every time.

"WHAT THE FUCK? WHY DO I LOOK LIKE THAT? WHO LET ME GO OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH BARE ARMS? WOAH!"

Let me interrupt by saying this:

I do NOT have a poor self esteem. I love me. I would TOTALLY fuck me. I think I'm a pretty swell human being...alright, that's going too far. I know what goes on in my head, and it's not pretty....but dammit, I wear 'fucked in the head', and I wear it well. And we all know that 'crazy chicks are hot'. No wonder I'm in love with me!

I joke on stage about my fat ass and shit I do to try to slim down. Much like all the clown rape and baby stabbing jokes, it's all based on truth. I would LOVE to slim down a bit. Not Calista thin...just...maybe "Marylin at her fattest" thin. That's reasonable. I look good with padding.

Some padding.

This last spring, I caught the premier of Last Comic Standing. When I went down for that motherfucker, I was at my most Orca-ist ever. I had lost 40lbs the year before doing the Atkins thing, but I ate a cracker and it all came back and then some. Alright, I ate the entirety of the San Jose food supply....OK???

I hadn't made the semifinals, but I knew there was a good chance of me ending up on camera - which I was not looking forward to cuz, while I am less than giddy with my bod TODAY, I was a good 30lbs heavier on the day of the show's taping...AND hungover, AND wearing a shirt that didn't fit. Heh.

So I'm sitting there...and...

HOLY SHIT! THERE I AM.

Briefly, but there I fucking am. Arm fat flopping in the wind and just generally taking up most of the camera lense.

Wow.

Shouldn't my first response have been to run for the phone and go, HEY EVERYONE, LOOK!! I'M ON FUCKIN NATIONAL TELEVISION, BITCHEZZZ!!!!

It shoulda been, but instead, I'm all, "DUDE (yes, I called my boyfriend 'dude'), DO NOT TELL ANYONE I'M ON TV...FUUHUUUUCK!!"

How sad is that. LOL.

So yeah, I had already started back on the diet - not Atkins, not South Beach, but the "Stop Eating Like A Monster" diet (Thanks, Tom Arnold), with reasonable portions and...well...maybe some exercise eventually (BABYSTEPS, GODDAMN IT!). But if you don't think my 15 seconds of fame on LCS didn't fucking inspire me....HOO BOY!!!!

Anyway...

A friend of mine, Lora, and I are both "not skinny". Not HEFFER LIKE, but we're not going to slip down any shower drains anytime soon.

We're thick in the rump and we dress like whores when we go out. And goddamn we feel sexy.

I found this picture that was just perfect for us:

ROFL!!!!

I never need to look like the skinny bitch in the mirror...nope. I will always have some fluff. I like the fluff. I like to jiggle in the right places.

I just hope to slim down to a size that prevents my jaw from hitting the fucking ground when I see a picture of me after I stepped out of the house feeling like a fucking super model - er...fuck that - like a fuckin PORN STAR!

Yeah, baby.

Bathroom Etiquette For Women

2007-02-01T15:20:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying, this is a generalization - and obviously it doesn't apply to everyone, as I know many women who are so tidy and well behaved that I suspect you could put a lump of coal up their ass and it would come cruisin back out as the goddamned hope diamond.

However....

WOMEN ARE SLOBBY FUCKING PIGS!

Grown women. Pigs. Why?

I'm talking about in public restrooms. Public meaning anything outside your home that other people have to use after you.

Now, I hear that men's bathrooms are gross. Hell, I know this first hand. Most of my friends were and still are boys - their bathrooms do smell like weewee more often than not.

When I worked at Dairy Queen in highschool, one of the nights I had to clean bathrooms, I nearly quit the men's bathroom was so bad.

But, women, wtf? Aren't you supposed to be cleaner, nicer smelling, etc etc...."in general" ? You hear it all the time, "Oh, no wonder this room is such a mess, it's inhabited by MEN!" ...a sentence I hear uttered by manhating broads on occasion.

If men are the pigs, why is it that, on a way too frequent basis, do I find shit like the following in women's restrooms:

1.) The counters that contain the sinks SOAKED with water

Were rabid ducks allowed in the bathroom? Did the faucets go postal when I wasn't looking? Why is this necessary? I can't set my bag or purse down on the counter because three gallons of water are pooled up around the shiny porcelain thing that has the DRAIN.

2.) Paper towels all over the counter and on the floor around the garbage can - that's right under the paper towel dispenser.

Why? Seriously....the garbage is RIGHT FUCKING THERE, YOU LAZY HEFFER.

3.) Toilet paper squares, sheets, etc all over the floor in the stalls.

What happened...was it THAT complicated?

4.) SNOT on the stall walls.

See that toilet paper on the floor? Seriously, pick that shit up and use it if the stuff in the dispenser a whole 1 foot away from your thigh was too difficult for you to deal with. Are you 4 years old? Really, who does this? It's especially cool when it has a scab attached to it.

5.) Toilet Seat Guards left on the toilet seat.

Seriously, how fucking selfish ARE YOU, skank? You don't want germs from the icky icky toilet seat, so you make yourself a little nest....but I have to call in a hazmat team to remove the moisture absorbing tissue that your pimply ass was just planted upon? Come on.

6.) Menstrual blood smeared on the front end of the toilet seat.

Really, thanks for that. If you are on the rag, HAG, and you can't dismount the bowl without smearing your nasty bloody gash across the seat, could you please take care of that so that I don't have to lose my lunch??? Fucking disgusting.

7.) Smears of poop on the BACK end of the toilet seat.

I'm not sure which is worse...this or the previous. Is it that you've consumed so many cheetos that you can't reach back there anymore, "girlfriend"?? JFC!

There's more, of course...simple things like flushing the fucking toilet (we learned this when we were 2 or 3 years old if I remember right), using the proper receptacle for your bloody cunt plugs and heavy flow day diapers. I could go on. But I'll just conclude with saying:

GROW UP, OR HOLD YOUR BODILY WASTE UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OPRAH WATCHING, YOGURT SWILLING, FAT ASS HOME, YOU FUCKING COW.

I hate you.

/rant *OFF*

Spider Veins are HOT!

2007-01-31T00:48:00.000-08:00

SPIDER VEINS ARE HOT!!!

At least that's what I'm gonna keep telling myself now that I've discovered A WHOLE NEW CROP OF THEM ON MY UPPER

THIGHS.

I still remember when I saw my first spider vein when I was in my mid 20s. It was tiny, on the inside of my knee, and I freaked

the fuck out. FREAKED OUT. I had "A" SPIDER VEIN!

If only I knew that it would develop thousands of friends.

They're fucking EVERYWHERE...and they're sneaky. Most of them are where I can't see them. NINJA VEINS! @..$!!

I hadn't noticed these new ones before today because really, when do I stand naked in front of a mirror and take a good close

look at the back side of my body?

Never.

For some reason, I felt compelled to do this today, though.

I've discovered other things about my body I'm not sure I'm happy about as well.

I think I have a stretch mark in my butt crack. I'm not sure, but I think I do.

I mean I have them everywhere else...that's a given. But what's that one doing there? At least I think that's what that is.

And you know that anal bleaching thing I talk about?

Nevermind.

Thank god for light switches is all I have to say.

SO YEAH, IT IS OFFICIAL....

I'm already covered with scars from various major owies, but now it is OFFICIAL that I have no good reason not to get covered

head to toe with really cool tattoos.

My mom used to say - even after I got my back rebuilt - "Oh, don't get tattoos...you'll ruin your body."

TOO FUCKING LATE, MOM!

Yeah...I had to share.

Stupid fucking Donald

2007-01-21T11:25:00.000-08:00

I'm sure we've all heard by now, if we've paid any attention to the news, about all the trouble that Miss USA was in because she was running around partying and drinking underage.

And all the trouble Miss Nevada is in because some naughty pictures turned up of her.

What I don't get is this:

Miss USA has been running around pretty damn recently and since she held her crown, breaking the law, drinking and, from what I hear, drugging and partying her silly cute ass off - all this before she turned 21 and could do at least the drinking part legally...

I'm so sorry, Daddy!

...and The Donald forgives her, doesn't strip her of her title, and gives her a second chance.

But Miss Nevada has pictures show up that are from more than a couple years ago, allegedly, of her kissing some chick...and BLAMMO, she's out.

Now there may be other pics, in fact I heard there may be one that shows a bare breast (OMG!)....but the girl kiss is the one they keep using as "Teh Scandelous Picture.

If you ask me, this is pretty hot...

SHE KISSED A GIRL!!! SHE KISSED A GIRL RIGHT ON THE LIPS! THIS IS CLEARLY ILLEGAL! CLEARLY! SEXY AS SHIT, BUT MUCH WORSE THAN UNDERAGE DRINKING!

SO yeah....kiss a girl? Show a tit?

YOU'RE FIRED!

But Miss Illegal Drinker gets a reprieve.

What a bunch of bullshit.

The Donald, in a recorded interview, said that the pictures were "disgusting".

THIS from a man who said, that if his daughter wasn't blood related that he'd probably be dating her.

Don't even get me started on how he 'responded' to Rosie O'Donnel pretty much OWNING him on The View.

Rosie impersonating "The Donald"
Pretty dead on if you ask me...

He countered her absolute ROAST of him by saying that she was a fat, ugly, uneducated liar.

Fantastic. Sounds like a douche in my area that I had the misfortune of doing business with. She used that response after I called her out on not paying me for a gig (the best part is that she misspelled half of her psychotic email).

Welcome to high school, you fucking schlong. This is your brilliant response when someone attacks your character? "Yah..well...you're fat and ugly! YEAH!"

Oh, and he shrieked that she lied when she said he went bankrupt. He's NEVER gone bankrupt, and he just might sue her for saying he had!

Hi:

Really?

You haven't?

Not even a little??

For the love of god...does he have Alzheimers?

Or is he doing what I did when I was 16 and pregnant:

"This isn't happening. This isn't happening. This isn't happening. Oh look! It's not happening! La la la..."

Of course he comes back later and says, and I paraphrase, "Yeah..well uhhh...I meant I never filed personal bankruptcy!"

Go Donald. You Stupid fuck.

@#$!@$!$!!

EDIT:

HOO BOY, I found a link with more of the pictures.
There's a little more than just girl kissing,
And really...still pretty hot.

~CLICK~

BUT STILL, IT'S THE FUCKING INCONSTANCY that burns my ass.

Girl breaks the law, drinks, drugs and parties, all before turning 21.

Even if she's OVER 21, she was STILL, from what what the reports said, allegedly doing drugs, which is still illegal, and therefore breaking the law.

But other girl gets a little wild at a party, shows off some booby, kisses another chick, etc etc....BLAMMO!!! Gone.

Such crap.

The one who broke the law gets to retain her crown and continue being a "role model", but the one who kissed a girl and showed a tit...eh, not so much.

What the fuck ever, Donald, you fucking skag.

UPDATE: The Donald strikes again

In response to a recent discussion Rosie had regarding Depression, a condition that she also suffers from, he responds with:

"I have no compassion at all ... I can fully understand when she looks in the mirror she suffers from depression, and if I looked like Rosie, I'd suffer from depression also, believe me."

I don't even know what to say about that.

Fat Girl Pants

2007-01-15T21:39:00.000-08:00

I used to be a smaller person...like...a long time ago, right? I used to THINK I was fat, but when I look back, I just want to grab my 20 year old self by the throat and go OMFG WTF, SKINNYBITCH? LOL

I got pregnant with the boy (that's my son's name..."the boy"...it's actually James, but he's "the boy") in 1993. Well, my friend, Janelle, got pregnant with her twins at the same time.

So what that meant is you had 2 women, pregnant at the same time, hanging out, bonding over baby books and food cravings. And something about that, plus the fact that Janelle had 2 little parasites inside her to feed...well, we ate a lot. "We're pregnant, we're allowed! Yay! LET'S EAT ALL THE FOOD AT THE MALL!!!". We planned entire days around where we were gonna eat. Heh.

Fast forward to 6 months or so into the pregnancy. I'm shopping for prego clothes with Janelle, and I end up in a dressing room with those cruel cruel lights. And multi angled mirrors that have no blind spots.

/blood curdling scream

"WHY DO I HAVE STRETCHMARKS ON MY CALVES? I AM NOT CARRYING A BABY IN MY CALVES, WHY DO I HAVE STRETCHMARKS ON MY CALVES?"

"OMFG...IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A STRETCH MARK TO BE THIS WIDE? THE BOTTOM OF MY BELLY LOOKS LIKE I WAS ATTACKED BY WILD TIGERS, WHAT THE HELL????"

"WHY DOES MY ASS LOOK LIKE THIS???"

You find out interesting things about your body when you visit a dressing room. Like about a year or so ago, I tried on a little plaid skirt at Hot Topic - I was feeling pretty good since I had lost some weight (oh don't worry...I found it again...YAY!) ...when I saw the backs of my thighs for the first time in a while. I believe I was dating Rob at the time, and I called him up FROM the store and said, HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU EVEN LOOK AT THAT WHEN YOU'RE BACK THERE? GODDAMN!!! I WOULD SOOO NOT FUCK ME!

To back up a bit, when you're pregnant, and you do the "no holds barred" eating thing? You gain just a wee bit more than you really needed to gain to sustain the critter you're incubating. Then you have the baby and go...um..hi....fat stuff...go now, I don't need you here no more...no really...go? Please?

I spent another couple months after giving birth living in super comfy clothes - and basically looking like a fat slob - yet I weighed less than I do now interestingly enough. I was so dumpy. I looked like one of those Walmart dwellers that live in elastic waistbanded pants and matching tops with little rose buds at the bottom of the scoop neck. It wasn't pretty.

After a couple months, I bought a few new clothes, got rid of the pregnancy granny panties, bought some nice bras...but I would NOT buy jeans, because there was no way I was going to buy jeans in the size my body insisted I wore. NOOO fucking way. Oh, I tried a pair of jeans on once...they got up to my mid thighs before they told me to fuck off.

A year later...still not in the size I should rightly have been in. Will...not...buy...jeans. As I repeated often to many, "Fat girls should not wear jeans. I will not buy them."

But I did find clothes that looked pretty good on me, and as the years have gone by, I have gotten pretty good at finding clothes that, even though I have ENTIIIIIRELY too much baggage, I still feel pretty sexy in. I live in skirts, form fitting tops, and groovy shoes. I'm good at finding clothes that camoflage what I hate and accentuate what I like. That's my 'uniform'.

Well...guess what. My son is 12. Twelve. And, after being asked - for the 4,000th time - "Damn, you never wear jeans, you're always dressed up and you make us look like slobs when we show up on casual Fridays!"....I said to myself...

You stupid bitch. Buy some jeans. Just because you don't WANT to be the size you are....doesn't mean you're not. Hi, reality. How are you?

So I did it.

I bought jeans.

I - BOUGHT - JEANS.

This may not seem like a big deal to you, but my friends back home would fall over. Some of my friends have never seen me in pants. LOL

But I went to the fucking mall, and I bought jeans.

I am wearing them right now. At work. On casual friday. I am participating fully in casual friday with my fat girl jeans, my little black top, and my black "skater shoe" vans that my son wants to steal from me. And jeans. Unforgiving, cutting into my soft midsection jeans.

MY FAT ASS IS IN JEANS...and yet, I feel surprisingly ok about it.

I've had 5 people at work today go, "WOAH, you're wearing JEANS!!! You feeling ok?? Ha...cute!"

"Trish, look, Lisa's wearing jeans, look!"

I gotta say, though...

The last time I bought jeans (don't laugh), the style was...hmmm...the waist line was...higher?

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE MY HIPS ARE ON DISPLAY? Are they supposed to ride this low???

WHY DO I SOUND LIKE MY MOM!!??

I think my thong is sticking out the top in back.

Relevance

2007-01-01T10:16:00.000-08:00

My sister sent me a link to a blogger on here today and said, I think that 'Lisa Hates You' (one of my personas, for lack of better words) should meet 'Frankie Can't Relax'.

I'm not sure why exactly. Well, I guess I do know why - I read her blog, and it was interesting...somewhat angry, perverse, and self loathing. My sister read it and thought of me. I'm both flattered and worried on some level.

Regardless, her recommendation to view Frankie's blog reminded me that I had created this account a few years ago (I think?) so that I could view a friend's mental vomit. And it's sat unused ever since.

So I may utilize this thing now. I may continue posting, on occasion, to my MySpace blog, though that blog is mostly for...well, now that I think about it, it's for nothing different than this page could be utilized for. Irrelevance.

And how self-centered are bloggers that they think their brain's inner workings are so fascinating that someone would subscribe to their blog, waiting anxiously for the next thing they feel it necessary to share?

I see myself in imminent danger of being redundant.

Speaking of redundant...I am now in the process of transferring blogs that I think warrant a spot on this forum and giving them random 'earlier dates' so that they show up after this posting.

I'll conjure a new and original thought at a later date.